Unshatter Me
by Chicha3maddy
Summary: Lexie Grey may not realize it, but she leads a charmed life. Then she boards a plane that crashes, and suddenly her sister is dead and everything has changed. Set on a path that leaves her questioning everything she's ever known, Lexie must fight to find herself after losing the only people in the world she's certain she loves. AU. Rated T for the violence of the crash.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Lexie Grey is my favourite character on Grey's Anatomy and I've been meaning to write this story for a while. Please rate and review!**

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Chapter 1:

 _She's alone at the bar until the door chimes. He sits across from her at a respectable distance. She tries to be nonchalant as she searches his expression. "How'd it go?" she asks. He stares at her, saying nothing. She relents. "I know. I'm pathetic. And George doesn't know I exist and I missed my surgery and blah blah blah. Could you please just tell me how it went with Mr. Patmore?" Already regretting her outburst, she's surprised when he replies calmly._

 _"We didn't get to do the surgery. Mr. Patmore's been shipped off to another hospital and he'll be free of pain by this time tomorrow." Silence as they watch each other. She wonders what he could be thinking. Is he upset that he lost a surgery? Upset that he's sitting across from her in a bar when he should be in the OR?_

 _He speaks first. "Photographic memory, huh?" She nods, surprised. He listened more than she would have thought. His eyes meet hers and a smile quirks his features. "Periodic table. Go."_

 _This is something she can do, and she knows it. "Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, boron, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, neon, sodium, magnesium, aluminum, silicon, phosphorus, sulfur... I can keep going!" Her laugh catches him off-guard, and when it fades back into silence they find themselves staring at each other. There, in the clamor and noise in the bar, at the end of a long and difficult day, they both feel it for the first time._

 _Love._

...

 _I hate Mark Sloan._ Lexie Grey climbed up into the plane, trying not to look at him as he sat near the front. _Thank you for your candor. Thank you for your candor? Jackass._

"Lexie!" Derek's voice snapped her away from her thoughts. "Come sit beside me so we can go over these scans." Derek shot Meredith a cold glare over Lexie's shoulder. Lexie blinked, sitting down beside him and watching Meredith stalk to the back of the plane.

"Trouble in paradise?" Lexie murmured, pulling out the scans.

"Something like that." Derek lowered his voice. "I want to move us to Boston. It's an incredible opportunity for us both and she can't see it." Lexie felt her heart drop to her stomach. Derek and Meredith were moving to Boston? Four years ago the two sisters could barely look at each other, but now they were genuinely close. She didn't want to lose her now. Lexie wished she were brave enough to argue that maybe Meredith was right, maybe they should stay, but instead she smiled tightly.

"I'm sure you two will work it out." In spite of herself, she glanced behind her at Mark. Was there any chance of being able to work it out with him?

Derek raised an eyebrow. "So, you finally told him?"

"Yes. And it was a total disaster that I don't really want to talk about. So let's please just focus on work, okay?"

"Okay."

For a while, Lexie and Derek buried themself in the case. But eventually the scans and labs were put away and Lexie was left to her own thoughts. The familiar wheel was turning over and over in her head, the same questions surfacing in the same order. _How can he not love me back? What on earth is he thinking? How did this go so wrong? Why did I tell him at all?_ She hated it, hated all the yearning and self-doubt. She hated that all the power had somehow ended up in his hands. But most of all, if she was honest with herself, she hated that she was here beside her brother-in-law while the seat beside Mark sat empty.

 _I hate Mark Sl-_ Lexie's thoughts were cut off by the ugly groan of bending metal.

And then the world fell to pieces.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: I had originally intended for this story not to have a happy ending, but I'm softening to the idea of potentially changing my plan. Unfortunately Meredith's fate is already set in stone (Sorry, you hard-core Mer fans!) but I'm thinking that maybe Mark and Lexie deserve their second chance. What do you guys think? Is Lexie tough enough to survive without him or would it break her completely? Is it too cheesy to give them the ending that they deserve? Let me know in a DM or a review!**

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Chapter 2:

 _She ducks into the girls' bathroom and leans against the door, fighting back tears. She was hoping that she would go unnoticed, but there's another woman drying her hands at the sink. She looks up and stops. "Hey. You okay?" Meredith asks._

 _"Mark's moving on. Like, really." The words drain her, leaving her feeling broken and empty. She wishes she were alone._

 _Meredith looks at her strangely. "Okay, well, that's good, isn't it? Isn't that what you wanted?" Yes, of course it is. That's why she hadn't chased him when she had the chance. That's why she's choosing to be alone._

 _She nods. "No it's- that's uh, that's great. That's- it's perfect." She's crying now, and she can't seem to stop. "It's per- It's perfect." Her shoulders shake as she slides to the ground and buries her face in her hands. She doesn't want him to move on. She doesn't want that at all. She wants him to be jealous and trapped and, eventually, lonely enough to come back to her. Because that's how she is feeling, and it's unbearable to think that she's going through it alone._

 _Mark Sloan is moving on. And Lexie Grey is crying on the bathroom floor, wanting nothing more than to be with him._

…

Lexie was jolted out of her seat as the plane lurched to one side. The pilot's panicked voice came on the intercom.

"We're having some difficulties with the engine but if everyone could please stay calm-" A high-pitched whining sound cut the pilot off, building until it was like a dull roar in Lexie's ears. Everything was happening so fast. The pilot's voice came on again, his words drowning in static.

"Stay in your seats! The plane-" The intercom cut out with one final burst of noise. Lexie felt frozen. Someone behind her, maybe Arizona, was screaming. Derek was scrambling out of his seat, fighting his way to the back of the plane. The ground was tilting under her feet and nothing felt real.

Suddenly everything went silent, and the plane stilled. It was as if the sky itself was holding its breath.

Lexie had just enough time to sardonically ponder the fact that the chances of being in a plane crash were literally one in a million before the nose of the plane began to tip downwards. Lexie fell to her knees as the ground rushed forwards and terror licked its way through her veins. She heard something, another shout, and registered mutely that Mark was calling her name.

Then the plane hit the ground and the world exploded.

Lexie lost track of how many times she was hit- by a seat, by shrapnel, by the branches tumbling around her- before she finally skidded to a stop face down in the dirt.

The last thing she was aware of was the bright, angry ringing in her ears before everything faded to black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: This chapter was very difficult to write. It's also significantly longer than the other two so far. Let me know what you think! Also, Mark Sloan's fate is still up in the air. Any input is welcome.**

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Chapter 3:

 _She's standing at the nurses' station with April when her sister walks up. "Hey, so reckless driver turned out to be a psycho killer?" Meredith shakes her head and smiles, waiting for her to agree. She bites her tongue, wishing she knew how to explain how she was feeling._

" _Failed psycho killer, thank God." April's comment is enough to make her open her mouth. Enough is enough._

" _She was heartbroken, okay? Her husband left her for a younger version of herself." She doesn't know why this feels so important, but now she's furious with Meredith and she needs her to understand. "She's just-"_

" _Lexie-" Meredith tries to interrupt, but she plows on._

" _No, you know what? I have been a total bitch to April all day because of you. You know that?"_

" _What?" Meredith's look of confusion only makes her feel worse. She really has been terrible to April today and she's finally beginning to feel guilty about it, but Meredith should at least know why._

 _April looks between the sisters as if she's trying to determine which of them is most likely to attack the other first. "I'm j- I'm gonna go, I-"_

" _April, just- stay." The steel in her voice surprises even herself. She turns to face Meredith again, staring at her beseechingly. How can Meredith not see that she desperately needs a sister right now?_

" _You worry about April, you let her have Izzie's room, you talk to her about your doctors appointments… And I went crazy. Alex ditched me in a psych ward, Mark slept with Derek's sister, and now I find myself relating to a crazy, jealous lady who drives into laundromats!" What is wrong with you, that you could finally make me believe that you might love me before leaving me alone again? That you can't see how every secret you share with April feels like a knife in my back?_

" _April, you should go." April jumps at Meredith's suggestion, snatching up her charts and tripping as she makes her way down the hallway at a pace just short of a sprint. The sisters take a moment to stare at each other before Meredith sighs._

" _Lexie. I had a miscarriage that day. April was there. That's why she knows about my doctor's appointment." Oh. Oh, no. Dammit. How could she have been so stupid? "And I did know that Mark slept with Amy, but I didn't think you cared. I can never tell what the hell is going on with you two!" Neither can she. She shuts her eyes, her cheeks reddening in shame. "And as far as the psych ward goes, you were not alone. I sat by your bedside for 36 hours while you slept." She opens her eyes, surprised. Did you really? Meredith smiles at her warmly, and leans in to share a secret. "You're not crazy, Lexie. You're a Grey." At the mention of her name, the name they both shared, she has to smile. Her sister loves her. In this moment, that affirmation is the only thing that matters._

…

Lexie gasped awake. She was lying on her stomach, her head twisted awkwardly to one side. She pushed herself to her knees, but a wave of dizziness knocked her down again. From this angle, she could catch a fractured view of a clearing littered with debris. She made out a plane seat, pieces of shrapnel, broken branches- _The crash!_ Fear flooded through her at the sight of the ugly wreckage. What about the others? What about Mark? And her sister?

Lexie forced herself up from the ground again, slower this time. She crawled over to a tree and used it for balance as she pulled herself to her feet. Her mind felt slow, and she stood grasping the tree for precious minutes before she could bring herself to focus on what to do next.

"Hello?" she croaked. Her voice felt dry and raw. "Hello!" she tried again. She was answered by a low keening that came from the largest piece of wreckage. Lexie stumbled over to it and found Arizona leaning against the side, tears streaming down her face as she screamed. Lexie glanced down at Arizona's legs and swallowed a wave of nausea. Her left thigh was completely split open, oozing blood and pus. A broken shard of bone peeked out through torn skin and shredded muscle. Lexie found herself thanking God that she was used to seeing terrible injuries. Otherwise she wasn't sure that she would have been able to keep from throwing up.

"Dr. Robbins?" Lexie could barely make herself heard over Arizona's screams. "Dr. Robbins!" She wouldn't stop, and panic was beginning to creep up on Lexie. The noise rang in her ears, reminding her that this was a _plane crash_ and _we might die here_ and _the others could be dead already._

" _Stop it!"_ Lexie cried. With one final whimper, Arizona fell silent. Lexie became aware of a different noise, of someone calling out a name.

"Meredith! Mer!" Cristina came into view and Lexie felt faint with relief.

"Cristina!" Feeling a bit steadier on her feet, Lexie made her way over to where Cristina was standing, promising a terrified Arizona that she would be back.

"Thank God." Cristina muttered when Lexie came out from behind the piece of wreckage. "Where's Mark?" Lexie's chest tightened.

"He's- he's not with you?" Cristina's face was almost angry.

"No. He's not. And neither are Mer or Derek." Lexie felt her eyes fill with tears, but Cristina put one hand on her shoulder, her eyes flashing.

"Lexie. You are not allowed to lose it on me. Understand?"

"I-" Lexie was trembling. But she saw her fragility reflected in Cristina's eyes and knew that for now all they had for support was each other. "Yes. Okay."

"Okay. Are you hurt?" Lexie paused. Was she? She hadn't even thought about it. Looking herself up and down, she could see innumerable scratches and bruises, but she didn't seem to have any serious injuries. It made her realize how lucky she was, and also made her even more afraid for the others.

"No. Are you?" Cristina nodded brusquely.

"My arm. But it can wait. Let's go." Lexie pointed towards the wreckage.

"Arizona's over there. She's alive, but her leg is badly broken. I told her I'd be back."

"You will be. But right now we need to find the others." Lexie nodded in agreement and the two of them turned towards the trees.

"Hello!" Lexie shouted again. Seconds passed without a response. She had opend her mouth to yell again when she heard it: a faint voice calling from deeper into the forest. Lexie and Cristina broke into a stumbling run, following the voice as it became clearer. Lexie finally broke into a clearing, a few steps ahead of Cristina.

"Mark!" she gasped. She was so relieved, so utterly relieved that he was alive. That it had been his voice. In the split second that she first laid eyes on him, the relief was all she felt. But then she saw the position he was in, and the wreckage all around him, and the person gasping on the ground under his hands.

"Meredith!" Cristina had caught up to her. For a moment, the two of them stared in utter shock at the terrible truth that was painted in front of them.

Meredith's torso was torn open. Blood was leeching from the wound as Mark tried desperately to stop it, but any time he so much as breathed the blood flowed more freely. The two of them were bathed in it. Lexie was brought back immediately to a case she'd had back when she was an intern, where a man's carotid artery had blown while he was laughing at something she'd said. The man had bled buckets and then died on the table.

As a surgeon, Lexie had come to recognize when there was no hope of going back. After a certain amount of blood loss, the patient just didn't have a chance.

Cristina kneeled down beside Meredith, brushing the hair out of her face. This uncharacteristically soft gesture broke Lexie's heart. This was real, and Cristina knew it too.

"You are going to be fine." Cristina was crying. "You are going to be just fine."

"Stop - lying." Meredith's voice was thick, her breath laboured.

"You're my person, " Cristina breathed. "You're my person." Meredith's body shuddered.

"Derek. Where-" Lexie froze as she waited for Cristina to break the news.

"He's fine. He's on his way." Lexie let out a breath.

"He won't make- it. Tell him it wasn't- his- fault." Lexie was shaking her head. No. This couldn't be happening.

"I'll tell him." Cristina took Meredith's hand. "I'll tell him."

"You- are- my- person." Cristina nodded.

"I know."

Lexie kneeled by Meredith's other side. There were tears streaming down her face, but she barely noticed. "Meredith, I'm so sorry, I-" Meredith put a trembling finger to her lips.

"You're- a good- sister. And I- love you." Lexie burst into tears.

"No Meredith, please, you can't die, you can't!" She couldn't breathe. "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you." Lexie put her hands on top of Mark's, feeling the blood pulsing beneath her fingers. "I love you Meredith, please. Don't die. Please. Please, Mer." The pulse under her fingers stopped. "No. _No. No, don't die!_ " She couldn't do this. She loved her sister so much. Meredith couldn't be dead. They were Greys, they were tough. She couldn't be dead.

"Lexie." Mark was speaking to her, he had a hand on her shoulder, but not even he could call her back from this. For what felt like hours, all she could do was cry over her sister's body. Eventually Mark scooped her up and she breathed in his warmth, his life. They were alive and her sister was dead. In that moment, that affirmation was the only thing that mattered.

Until a figure stepped out from behind the trees.

"Meredith?" Mark, Cristina and Lexie all looked up. Derek Shepherd had barely said Meredith's name before his knees buckled and he fell, unconscious, at their feet.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing. Lyrics to the song belong to Anna Nalick._**

 ** _Note: This was a difficult chapter to write, because it detailed events that set us up for the rest of the story but it's still very life-or-death for all the characters. The song is a shoutout to the music episode, in which Lexie sings it herself. If you don't know it I recommend that you give it a listen! It's one of my personal favourites off the show._**

 ** _As always, let me know what you think! Thanks to all followers and reviewers._**

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 _Chapter 4:_

 _They're in the operating room, holding Callie Torres's life in their hands, but she can't focus. The lyrics to a song are playing in her head and she can't stop picturing his face._

 _ **2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,**_

 _ **Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?**_

 _ **I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season**_

 _Does she love him, still? Of course. But she's not ready for the life that he wanted for them._

" _Someone needs to keep an eye on Mark." Derek glances up towards the gallery. He knows better than most how much Mark must be suffering._

" _Little Grey, eyes on Sloan." Dr. Webber nods towards the door, and she follows his order without hesitation. No matter what's happening between them, Mark needs a friend right now._

 _ **Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes**_

 _ **Like they have any right at all to criticize**_

 _ **Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason**_

 _She wanders the hallways, scanning empty rooms and quiet hallways and asking more than one nurse "Did Doctor Sloan come by here?" until one of them finally points her in the right direction._

 _ **'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable**_

 _ **And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table**_

 _ **No one can find the rewind button, girl.**_

 _ **So cradle your head in your hands**_

 _ **And breathe... just breathe,**_

 _ **Oh breathe, just breathe**_

 _Callie Torres is fighting for her life on an OR table. Mark is somewhere deep in the hospital, crying for everything he has to lose. And she is searching, desperate, needing to track him down. She wonders to herself how things could possibly have gone so wrong and feels suddenly disgusted with herself that she could have turned her back on Mark because of a pregnancy that was out of his control. Because he wanted to do the mature, right thing and be a father to his baby._

 _ **There's a light at each end of this tunnel,**_

 _ **You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out**_

 _ **And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again**_

 _ **If you'd only try turning around.**_

 _She and Mark have made so many mistakes. They've tried and failed in their relationship time and time again. But he was a part of her now, for better or for worse. She was happy in her relationship with Jackson, but what she'd had with Mark was different. She felt for him. She was afraid for him. What if he lost this baby?_

 _ **2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song**_

 _ **If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,**_

 _ **Threatening the life it belongs to**_

 _ **And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd**_

 _ **Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud**_

 _ **And I know that you'll use them, however you want to**_

 _She finally sees him behind a door leading to the stairwell. His head is buried in his hands and he looks so beaten, so broken, that her heart aches for him. She pushes the door open. He looks up._

 _ **But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,**_

 _ **And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table**_

 _ **No one can find the rewind button now**_

 _ **Sing it if you understand**_

" _You don't have to do this, I know you hate me." She shakes her head. If only he knew._

" _I don't hate you."_

 _ **And breathe, just breathe**_

 _ **Oh breathe, just breathe,**_

 _ **Oh breathe, just breathe,**_

 _She sits down beside him and takes his hand in hers. He cries quietly on her shoulder. It's the two of them against the world._

 _ **Oh breathe, just breathe**_ _._

…

 _My sister is dead._

 _My sister is dead._

 _My sister is dead._

A million times later it still didn't feel real. Lexie had felt this with her mother too, this blank numbness that shielded her from her own life as though it was something she needed protection from. And maybe it was.

The doctors called it shock. Lexie found herself thinking, not for the first time, that whoever had named the condition must have known little to nothing about it. It didn't feel like a shock. It didn't feel like a surprise. It felt like being trapped in a dream where all the days blur together and all the colours fade to grey.

"Lexie, you need to drink something." A bottle of water was held in front of her. Mark had found it while she was searching for the first aid kit. As far as they knew there was just the one. She shook her head and pushed it away.

"Derek needs it. And Arizona." Mark rested a worried hand on her leg.

"I'm worried about you."

"I'm worried about all of us." she couldn't resist throwing back. They were back with Arizona, having made the trek across the forest. Mark had carried an unconscious Derek. It had taken the combined efforts of Lexie and Cristina to support Meredith's body.

They had put her a few paces away, under a tree. No one could afford to even cover her up with a blanket. The best they could do was try to keep the bugs away until they were rescued.

Cristina was sitting under the tree, her hand on Mer's head. She hadn't spoken a word for hours.

Everywhere Lexie looked, she saw life slipping away. She saw it in Arizona's leg, and in Cristina's blank stare, and in the body lying in the dirt beside her. She saw it in the grey pallor of Mark's face, and in the way Derek still hadn't woken up yet.

"M… Mer.." As if her thoughts had called him back, Derek finally began to stir. Lexie stood up and braced herself. She had no idea how much he was going to remember.

"Derek, keep still okay? Your hand is badly hurt." Lexie guided his head back to the ground. "Mark, the water."

"Lexie. What happened? Where's Meredith?" Lexie swallowed.

"We were in a plane crash. We're in the forest." Lexie rushed on before he could repeat his second question. "The pilot- Jerry's his name, Arizona talked with him- says that one of the engines blew on the plane. He thought we would be rescued today, but the sun's beginning to set and there's no sign of anyone. The flare gun's broken too. We have one bottle of water and seven matches left." Silence, a terrible silence, after she ran out of things to tell him. _I'm sorry Derek, I'm so sorry._

Derek looked her dead in the eye. "Where is Meredith?" This time Lexie had no choice but to answer. She flashed back to her intern year, could hear a voice giving her clear orders. _Be gentle, but firm. Tell them outright. Explain to them what happened. Don't let anything keep you from breaking the news._

She began carefully. "Meredith was in the back of the plane. It blew out when we hit the ground. Meredith suffered massive injuries to the chest from pieces of debris."

"No." Derek was shaking his head. She felt strangely distant from his pain.

"Mark did his best to control the bleeding, but the damage was too extensive." She could be talking to anyone. This could be any patient. She'd said these words a million times.

"No, Lexie. Stop. Stop, just stop!" Derek was shaking. Lexie plowed on. What was done was done.

"Meredith is dead. I'm sorry." _My sister is dead. She's dead._ Lexie wondered if it would ever feel real. If those words would ever start to make sense. For now, they were still utterly meaningless.

"No!" Derek began to stand. "I have to see her!"

"Derek, you need to lie still-"

"Where is she? Where is she, dammit!" The bandages on Derek's hand were suddenly soaked red and he was swaying on his feet.

"Mark!" Lexie was pushing against Derek's weight. "Mark, help me!" She glanced behind her. Mark was leaning against a tree, his eyes closed. A few paces away, the bottle of water was on its side, spilling onto the ground. Lexie's heart stopped.

"Derek, please." she begged. "Please lie down for me." The colours were beginning to come back. Her mind was clearing. _My sister is dead._ "She's dead. I'm so, so sorry. She- she told us that you would blame yourself. She told us to tell you that it wasn't your fault." _She's dead._ "It's not your fault, Derek." Derek finally began to respond to her touch. Slowly, he came back to the ground. "It's not your fault." Derek curled onto his side and began to sob. "I'm sorry." Feelings were fighting for her attention now, grief and thirst and pain, but strongest of all was the all-consuming terror that death was coming for the man she loved. She left Derek and ran over to Mark, guiding him onto his back. Her fingers fumbled with his shirt and she tore it off. Underneath, his chest was an ugly purple colour and his skin was hot with fever.

"Cristina!" Lexie gestured frantically. "Cristina, Mark has cardiac tamponade. Please come and help me." Cristina stared at her blankly. " _Cardiac tamponade._ Cristina, I need you!" Cristina looked at her for a long second before turning away to stroke Meredith's hair. Lexie realized with a sinking feeling that she would be getting no help from her. Instead, she dragged Mark closer to the piece of wreckage.

"Arizona, he's bleeding in his chest. I need you to tell me what to do." Arizona started and shook her head as if to clear it. Her eyes were bleary with sleep. " _Now!"_ With every second that they waited, Mark was at a higher risk. In that instant, she felt desperately alone. What if no one could help her? What if he died in her arms too?

Arizona seemed to focus. "Okay. You need to- drain the pericardial sac. You need a needle." They didn't have a needle. Thinking hard, Lexie ran back to their meagre pile of supplies. There was a pair of shoes, a roll of gauze, a pocketknife, the matches, a ballpoint pen- _There._ Lexie unscrewed the pen and let the ink run off into the ground. She was left with a small, thin tube. It was dirty and short, but it was all she had. Lexie kept it in one hand, grabbing the knife in the other, and brought them both back to Arizona.

"I have something that might work." She held up the tube. Arizona nodded.

"You're going to have to make a small incision to insert the tube. Aim for his left shoulder. Do not puncture his heart." Lexie took the knife in her right hand. _Just breathe, Lexie._

"You are going to live through this." Lexie whispered in Mark's ear before making the cut. Relying almost entirely on instinct, she pushed the tube into his chest. A geyser of blood shot out almost immediately, speckling her with red. Lexie almost cried in relief. She had done it. Mark was going to be alright for now.

"That's- that's good. Good job, Lexie." Arizona smiled tightly, and Lexie found that she was able to return it.

They didn't have a suturing kit, so Lexie bandaged the shallow cut and hoped for the best. Once they were rescued Mark would have all the medical attention that he needed. A small part of Lexie wondered if she would be able to forgive Cristina for standing by and doing nothing while Mark was fighting for his life. There was only so much room for grief when people were still in so much danger.

After checking on Derek, who had cried himself back into unconsciousness, Lexie started a fire and curled up next to Mark. The sun had set and the clearing was bathed in a purple twilight. She felt a million years old. _Tomorrow, people will come. Tomorrow, we'll be rescued._

Lexie drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I know nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: Apologies for the long wait! The season kept me busy. In any case, I thought it was really important to honor the original plane crash story arc in some way, so here's what it ended up looking like. Please rate and review! They honestly make my day.**

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Chapter 5:

 _In her dream, the plane crash is very different. In her dream, she is sitting in the back of the plane when the world comes apart. There is weight and a lot of pain. Her legs and one of her arms are trapped, pinning her under a piece of wreckage. In her dream, she isn't even afraid. She knows from the moment she wakes under the wreckage that she is going to die._

 _People come for her. Meredith comes, and leaves too soon. There's so much she wants to tell her. So much she still needs to say. Cristina comes too, bending down and holding her hand, promising that she'll be right back. There's no time for right back. There is only right now, in the woods, under a plane. Only her rapidly fading breaths._

" _Mark." He sits beside her, a shape silhouetted against the green of the trees. There is still so much she needs to tell him, too._

" _Cristina's- Cristina's gonna be back any minute." He won't look her in the eye, and it breaks her heart. It isn't right to leave him alone here._

" _Mark-" She tries again, but he waves her voice away._

" _She's gonna be back, and we're gonna get you stabilized, and you're gonna be fine, okay?" No. This is not okay. But she has things she needs to say and he's not letting her say them._

" _Mark-" Again, he stops her._

" _Just a few minutes, okay? She'll be back any minute." She shakes her head, feeling her chest struggle for every breath. No amount of help can save her now._

" _Mark." Finally, he stops to look at her. She fights to hold his gaze. "I'm- I'm dying."_

" _What?" His face is incredulous, as if she's said something ridiculous. And maybe, she concedes, she has. She never thought she would die like this. "No you're not." She swallows, tasting blood on her tongue._

" _I am." She looks down at her bloody arm, her surgeon's fingers, and allows herself a moment to mourn for the utter waste of talent, of life, of love. She gives herself an instant to wonder at the injustice, that she should die today. Then she opens her mouth again, because dammit if she'll die before she says what she needs to._

" _Please, tell- tell Meredith that I love her." She's crying now. "And that she's a- a good sister. And please, tell my dad-"_

" _You're not dying." Mark cuts her off. "You're gonna be fine." She wasn't. How couldn't he see that? Her arm is shaking as she holds it out to him._

" _Hold my hand."_

" _I'm not holding your hand because you're not dying." Mark has only the best intentions, she knows, but she's running out of time. In all his stubbornness, he was denying her what could be her dying wish._

" _Hold my hand." She tries to tell him with her eyes, how much it means to her that he give her this, but he shakes his head._

" _No. You're not dying. Do you hear me? You don't die today." He stands up and howls as he tries again to lift the two-ton gravestone off her back. But the metal is unyielding, and finally Mark returns to lay on his stomach beside her. This time, he takes hold of her hand, which is how she knows that it's nearly over._

" _I love you." The words she's been waiting to hear for so long only seem painful now. The sentence is the truest label for everything that will never be._

" _You don't have to say it because I said it." Her mouth twists into a painful smile._

" _I do." Mark's face is alight. "I love you. I love you. I've always been in love with you. I will always be in love with you."_

" _Yeah?" It's more than she ever could have hoped for, all her dreams coming true too late._

" _Yeah." Mark's grip on her hand tightens. He's holding on for dear life. " Which is why you have to stay alive. We- we're gonna get married. And you're gonna make an amazing surgeon. And we're gonna have two or three kids." She can see it. She can almost taste it._

" _So Sofia can have siblings." The thought makes her happy._

" _Yeah. A sister and two brothers." His face is fading. She's losing him. "We're gonna be happy Lex, you and me. We're gonna have the best life, Lexie, you and me. We're gonna be so happy." The blackness is eating at her vision, stealing her breath. It's so hard to focus. "So you can't die, okay? You can't die, because we're supposed to end up together. We're meant to be."_

" _Meant to be." Those words are everything. They keep her feeling safe as she looks at the love of her life and draws her final breath._

…

Lexie jolted awake to the sound of howling. Without thinking, she pushed herself to her feet and broke into a stumbling run.

"Get off, get away!" It was dark, and the shapes darting through the trees were darker still. "Get away, you can't have her!" They were after Meredith. They'd come the night before, and the night before that. Every time, it was Lexie who fought them off, Lexie who sent them back deeper into the forest. Every time it was she who sat up afterwards, terrified, waiting for light to break through the trees.

The animals were becoming less afraid of her, she could tell. The smaller ones were quick to flee at the sound of her voice and her stomping feet, but the larger ones took their time, watching almost as if in amusement. She had taken to throwing rocks and sticks to ward them off. There was one animal, maybe a cat, who sat perfectly still, flicking its ears as a stone flew past its head. Its glittering eyes darted from Lexie to the bundle under the tree before taking another step towards it. Before another stone could fly it lunged, tearing at cloth and skin with teeth as white as snow. Sobbing, Lexie ran towards it and beat at it with desperate fists. The creature turned, clawing a gash all the way down Lexie's outstretched arm before disappearing into the forest.

Bloody and exhausted, Lexie collapsed beside Meredith's body.

"I can't do this anymore, Meredith." She murmured, watching tiny rivulets of blood as they dripped down her arm. "I can't do this without you." Images from her dream came back to her and she remembered her sense of isolation under the plane's wing. Was that really how it felt, to die? Had Meredith been afraid? Surely not the way Lexie was now. The Lexie in her dream had been so certain of her fate. She had been ready to die. Now that Lexie was awake she felt none of that certainty. All she felt was a clawing, desperate, animal need to make it through to the next day.

"Please see us through this." Lexie spoke aloud, addressing Meredith's spirit and any others who could be listening. For the first time in her life, she wondered about God. Was there any truth to April's thoughts and prayers? Or was Lexie really just pleading to the open air?

The attack left Lexie so drained that, this time, she managed to fall back to sleep. When she opened her eyes again, the sun was well into the sky. _Day four,_ she thought to herself miserably. Four days in the woods. Four days since her sister had died. Four days since food. Four days since Cristina had spoken. Three days since Lexie herself had tasted water. Two since Mark had last woken up. One since the water had run out completely.

Lexie was aware of her body in a way that she never had been before. Her stomach was in a state of constant pain, the growling having given way to insistent cramping that never let up. The dehydration left her feeling weak and feverish, a headache coming and going as it pleased. For the first few days it was uncomfortable, but bearable. Today though, she knew things were different. The thirst was a monster, clawing its way up her throat. She couldn't focus for the pounding in her head. _Water, water, water,_ was the only thing she could think about. And not just for her, either. Arizona's leg was teeming with infection. Mark's body was shutting down. Cristina seemed to have lost the will to live entirely. If the rest of them couldn't be hydrated soon, the rescue party would be retrieving corpses instead of people.

When Lexie had woken up fully, she forced herself to crawl over to Arizona. There was little more she could do for Mark, who had fallen into a sort of coma, or Derek, whose arm kept him mercifully unconscious most of the time. Arizona's leg, though, could still be addressed to some extent, and with Cristina unwilling to lift a finger it fell to Lexie to treat it as best she could.

"How are you doing, Arizona?" Lexie's voice, raw from thirst and from shouting, came out as a throaty rasp. Arizona moaned, her blue eyes fluttering open.

"Callie. I told her I'd pick up Sofia today and now I have this late surgery. I need to call her." Lexie's heart sank. One touch of Arizona's forehead was enough to tell her that she was burning with fever. "Can you tell her that I bought groceries? There's food in the freezer, she just needs to heat it up."

"I'll tell her." Lexie did her best to put a comforting note in her voice.

"Sofia hates mushrooms. Remind her. She could forget!"

"I won't let her forget." Lexie looked deep into Arizona's eyes, trying to find the woman behind the haze of fever. "I promise." Arizona nodded, her eyes closing. Carefully, Lexie unwrapped the bandages covering her leg to expose the injury, and was forced to stifle a scream. The leg was teeming with maggots, eating at the necrotic skin so the thigh was an ugly patchwork of red and white. The stench was overpowering and Lexie got to her knees and retched, her stomach convulsing though nothing came to her throat. Forcing herself to take deep, even breaths, Lexie sat back up slowly. _You are a doctor,_ she told herself angrily. She had the training and the sense to handle this.

The next hour was a hell of its own as Lexie used what little she had to clean out Arizona's injury to the best of her capabilities. When the worst of the maggots were cleared away, Lexie wrapped it as tightly as she could in a fresh bandage and resolved to be done with it. After all, if they were out here for much longer, Arizona would be dead regardless of her leg. If they were found soon, Lexie's work might have saved her life and kept her from the worst of the infection. Lexie very much hoped her efforts wouldn't end up being for nothing.

Lexie's eyes were closing again when Cristina stumbled into view. She was holding a container in her hands, and at first Lexie's spirits soared as she imagined water. The longer she looked at the jug though, the longer she became convinced that she knew it from somewhere else. She was halfway to her feet with the answer when Cristina brought it to her lips.

"Cristina, stop!" Without thinking, her hand flew out to knock the jug from her hands. The fluid spilled onto the ground as Cristina stared at her uncomprehendingly. "It's fuel, Cristina. You can't drink it, I'm sorry." A darkness fell behind Cridtina's blank eyes, and her face contorted into a mask of rage. She lunged for the container, knocking Lexie's legs out from under her. The two of them landed hard on the ground, still fighting over the jug.

"Are you insane?" Lexie was shouting, one arm locked tight around the container. "Drinking that could have killed you! All I'm trying to do is keep all of us alive, can't you see that? I can't lose you, Cristina!" Cristina's eyes were wild as she screamed something incomprehensible, her hands still fighting Lexie's for a grip. Lexie wrenched the jug away from her and let the fuel splash onto the ground. The moment the jug was empty, Cristina fell silent. The two of them sat on the ground, staring at the jug for a long moment. Finally, without a word, Cristina stood and walked back to Meredith's tree, sitting down in the same spot that she'd left.

Feeling more tired than she'd ever felt, Lexie got back to her feet and made her way over to where Mark and Derek were lying. Settling down beside Mark, she wrapped one arm around him and pulled herself close.

"I love you, you know." She whispered against his back, for his ears only. "So you can't die, because we have a whole life to live together." The thought brought a smile to her lips. "I'm going to become an amazing surgeon, just like you. And we're going to have two or three kids, so Sofia can have siblings. A sister and two brothers." Her hand found his and held on for dear life. "We are going to be so happy, Mark. We're meant to be." The thought calmed her, just as it had before, and allowed her to drift off into an uneasy sleep.

...

The monsters were back. Lexie could hear them growling, louder than ever, and she was already on her feet and stumbling towards Meredith before the noise stopped. The wind was blowing and her eyes were slits, and the silhouettes of the monsters were huge.

"You can't have her!" Lexie's voice was drowned by the growl of the beasts and the howl of the wind.

"Leave us alone!" She was throwing her stones, furious, feral, but a monster had her by the shoulders and wouldn't let go. It was yelling something, yelling that it would be okay, but nobody believes a monster. Lexie flailed and struggled, but her feet weren't steady and her head was screaming and she was losing her grip on what was real.

"You can't have her." Lexie felt everything tilt, and then her world faded to black.

…

Noise and light surrounded Lexie as the doctors brought her back to life. Voices droned and buzzed, trapping her in a twilight with only the ghosts for company. A million people visited her bedside. Owen Hunt, telling her to rest up and get better. Meredith, telling her that she loved her. George O'Malley, telling her to watch out for busses. Her father, crying and pleading. Her mother, smiling and promising that she would visit more. Miranda Bailey, arguing with the doctors in charge. Callie Torres, her daughter at her side. Mark, healthy and well. Arizona, with maggots crawling up her leg. So many people came and went and came again that Lexie had no clue who was alive and who was dead, or if they were all just in this terrible in-between state with her. Time passed; days, weeks, months, she didn't know. She felt a million years old when the visitors finally went away and allowed her some much-needed rest.

...

Before Lexie even opened her eyes, the steady beep of a monitor told her that she was in a hospital. The sound was comforting, like a mother's lullaby, bringing back a hundred memories and making her feel warm and peaceful inside. She blinked open her eyes to see Alex Karev sitting by her bedside. Immediately she wondered why he wasn't with Meredith, and the answer was so immediate and painful that she moaned. Alex glanced up.

"You're awake." Lexie just stared at him until a thought came to her.

"Mark?" Her voice was an unsteady wisp, but he nodded as if he understood.

"He hasn't woken up yet. They don't know if he'll be okay. But he's alive." Lexie closed her eyes and savoured that piece of news. At least she hadn't lost Mark yet.

"You've been out for four days. Everyone at home is a freakin' mess." Alex's jaw tightened. "Cristina won't talk to anyone. And I don't know what the hell to say to her, Lex." Alex's eyes were pleading. "What do I say?" Lexie considered this, knowing that there was no possible answer to give. What they had lost could in no way be made up for by any words, well-meaning as they may be.

"Alex," Lexie tried her voice again, willing it to be stronger. "Alex, listen." She waited until his eyes were on hers.

"I want to go home." Alex nodded, standing. Lexie had given him a task, which for him was infinitely better than sitting helplessly between bedsides.

"Okay, Lexie. Let's get you home."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note _:_** **I was extremely torn about the eventual outcome of this chapter, and I know what I've decided might leave a lot of readers at odds with my decision. However, I think it's important to stay true to my original vision for this story, and for that I make no apologies. Please rate and review, as always! Thanks to all of you for your continued support.**

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Chapter 6:

 _Her shirt is untucked._

 _She isn't sure why this seems important, but it does. She takes a moment to fix it before hurrying up to the man she loves and saying the words she's been thinking all day._

" _Yes,the odds are against us." She's been giving a lot of thought to their odds lately, and they terrify her. She's twenty-five, a third-year resident barely beginning her training. He's a gorgeous Plastics attending who's closer to her father in age than to her. To make matters worse, he is known around the hospital for his penis, which had been bad enough before she accidentally broke it. To put it frankly, he is a sexual genius. Besides a few high school flings, one kind-of relationship in college and her weird thing with Alex Karev, she's clueless. For all intents and purposes, he has no reason to want her in a serious relationship, nor she him. And yet, for whatever reason, she is absolutely, one hundred percent unwilling to give up on this._

" _I'm a one-woman wrecking ball." She blurts, wondering too late just how honest she should be. But at this point her mouth has outrun her mind and she finds herself giving voice to all the concerns that have bothered her for weeks. "All I do is break you- your hand, your penis, your relationships, your life." He's staring at her now with a bemused expression, and she suddenly regrets mentioning his famously talented penis in broad daylight. Blushing, she rushes on before thoughts of his anatomy can distract her any further. "I'd say our survival rate is about 3 percent." She'd calculated it earlier, using a formula of her own invention that probably didn't even work, but the depressingly low results had seemed accurate enough to her. "And that's- that's bad. But it's not nothing, and-" She's stumbling over her words, the way she always does when she's flustered. "And I don't think that we should give up on this, at least not yet, because-" Suddenly there is a finger on her lips. Just his touch sends a current through her entire body. "Okay." She surrenders, abandoning the rest of her speech to stare into his eyes. When he looks at her like this, she knows he's really hearing her._

" _You think you broke me, Little Grey?" He gives her his best smile, his real one. "You're the one who put me back together." She feels warmth spread through her as his words take hold and banish her fears. She is untouchable. Mark Sloan loves her, she knows that now. Despite their flaws and their odds, he is choosing her._

 _He might not realize it, but he too has taken someone jumbled and broken and, for the first time in her life, made her feel truly whole._

…

When Lexie was eight years old, her family cat Rufus passed away. She remembered taking the loss pretty hard, since death was a foreign concept to her at the time and, despite Rufus's stony cat attitude, she had convinced herself that she and him had felt a very strong bond. After weeks of tears and grief that showed no signs of letting up, her parents decided together to take Lexie to see a therapist.

Lexie remembered every detail about his office. The walls were a muted yellow, and an ugly strip of wallpaper displaying colourful cartoon fish wound its way around the room. There had been a special corner, made noticeable by the foam puzzle pieces on the floor, which held toys. The novelty of having an entire space just for playing was extremely appealing to Lexie, who grew up in a modest house with no real playroom. On the opposite end of the room sat a very adult-looking wooden desk and two comfy chairs. It was in the left-hand chair, nestled between two bright red cushions, that Lexie had spent most of her time. The therapist himself, despite Lexie's best attempts to hate him, won her over during their first appointment with a very convincing impression of Sebastian from the Little Mermaid. After that they were fast friends, and Lexie ended up "mourning" her cat for much longer than she needed to just so she could go see the therapist for a few extra weeks.

It was Rufus she was thinking of as she fidgeted in front of the serious-looking man who would determine when she could begin operating again.

She had suffered through two weeks of daily appointments with Dr. Perkins, the same therapist who had seen her through the shooting. While she was honoured that he had come all the way from Germany just so she could talk about her feelings, she was becoming exhausted by the constant questions and scrutiny. How many times did he need her to recount her days in the forest? In how many different ways did she have to word Meredith's last moments?

Of course, there were also the things that she refused to speak about. The fact that Cristina had basically left her for dead out there, for example. Or the real pain she felt when Derek disappeared to L.A. to treat his hand, saddling her with more responsibility than she could ever have bargained for. Or the nausea that hit her every time she walked past Mark's room and heard the monitors beeping to the pulse of his heart. These, she knew, were the gritty details that Dr. Perkins was hoping to wheedle out of her. He was smart about it, too, but Lexie was smarter. She had no shortage of negative feelings and experiences to draw from, and she knew that Dr. Perkins was wholly convinced that they'd made some definite progress. Today she was hoping to seal the deal.

"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Perkins was careful to look her directly in the eye as he asked the question, which Lexie supposed was meant to feel comforting. Instead, it only increased her feeling of agitation and made it much harder for her to lie. Lexie searched for an acceptable answer, one that might afford her a bit more control over her own life again. She'd survived a plane crash, and she knew that she still had emotional wounds, but more than anything she just wanted to leave "plane crash" behind and get to the "surviving" part.

"Grateful." Lexie was surprised when the word came to her easily. It wasn't a complete answer, not really, because she was also furious about the things she'd lost. But she figured that being grateful spoke to being accepting, and Dr. Perkins was all about accepting the past in order to move on from it. She wasn't at all surprised when the therapist offered her a smile.

"That's very good. It shows how much progress you've made." _You bet it has._ In earlier sessions, Lexie had been careful to demonstrate pieces of her anger and frustration, enough to make her recovery believable. She knew that the Chief wouldn't clear her for surgery unless she was able to prove that she was healing, so she faked it as best as she could. A tiny voice in the back of her head wondered often if it might be in her best interest to just be honest about her feelings, but Lexie was always quick to shove the idea away. The only person who had any right to what had happened in those woods was her, regardless of what Chief Hunt or anyone else might think.

"Dr. Perkins, I'm physically healthy," Lexie began carefully, measuring every word, "and I know that I still have a lot of healing to do emotionally, but I am feeling much better." _Minus the nightmares, and the constant whispers behind my back, and the lack of communication with most of people who I used to call my friends._ "I believe that I'm ready to go back to work." _Please agree, please agree, please agree…_

"I agree." Lexie fought the urge to punch her fist in the air. She'd done it! She was free! "So long as you book an appointment with me once every two weeks for the next six months, and you're careful to avoid the triggers that might…" Lexie nodded impatiently, watching his mouth move without really listening to the words. She couldn't wait to go tell Mark! "...I think you'll do just fine. I'll let Dr. Hunt know myself." Lexie jumped out of her chair, remembering at the last minute to shake the doctor's hand before sweeping triumphantly out of the room, the signed paper clearing her for surgery clutched close to her chest.

It was a stroke of luck that Mark was awake when she pushed into his room. He'd been sleeping more and more lately, which worried Lexie to no end, but he assured her that he was feeling much better. She was able, if she tried hard enough, to write his exhaustion off as a symptom that, like the others, he would eventually recover from.

"Mark, I did it! I'm cleared!" This time, she really did punch her fist in the air before coming over to sit on the edge of Mark's bed.

"That's amazing, Lex!" Mark was smiling, but Lexie sensed that it wasn't genuine. There was something off about his eyes as he glanced at the paper in her hand.

"What's wrong?" Lexie frowned. "Why do you not seem happy about this?" Mark stared at her for a long second without saying anything. She'd seen him give the same look to patients when he was about to deliver bad news.

"Well, are you really ready to go back?" Lexie realized all too quickly that, difficult as it had been to evade her therapist, attempting to do the same with Mark would be virtually impossible. Lexie sighed, looking away.

"I don't know, Mark. I just- I just want to leave this all behind, and I can't do that unless I'm allowed to operate. The rest of it will work itself out." Mark gave her a look that was a little too pointed, and she found herself leaning in to kiss him just to get it off his face. One kiss inevitably led to another, and Lexie forced herself to pull away even as her entire body buzzed with the need to be close to him. He opened his mouth to protest, but Lexie put a finger to his lips.

"Let me lock the door." Her sly grin was enough to make him laugh, but as she drew the curtains on the door it deteriorated into a hacking cough. She turned abruptly. "Mark, are you alright? We don't- I mean, we don't need to do this." This wasn't the first time that they'd locked the door of his room, but most days all they ended up doing was laying beside each other on the bed. This was the first occasion that spoke of something more, and as much as Lexie missed the- _why not just call it what it is-_ sex, her top priority was Mark's health, always. Since the crash he just hadn't been up to it, and his cough reminded Lexie all too suddenly that Mark was still very, very sick.

"No." Mark's voice was steady after his coughs died down. "I'm having a good day and I know exactly how I want to spend it." Lexie's mind was at war; a part of her worried that he was only pushing herself for her sake, while the other part was simply desperate for a piece of her old life back. A piece of him back. And then, the ugly voice in her head spoke up, playing its trump card. _Who knows what could happen? Who knows if he'll ever get better?_ It was that thought that tipped the scales and allowed her to banish her guilt.

"Me too." Lexie double, triple-checked the lock on the door before pulling her shirt up over her head.

...

As she hurried down the hospital corridor, Lexie noticed that her shirt was untucked. She tucked it hurriedly back into place as she made her way to the cafeteria, resolving to stop for a quick bite to eat before saying her goodbyes to Mark and picking up her charge at the daycare.

As she passed the nurses' station, Lexie caught the name "Sloan". In spite of herself, she stopped, loitering a ways away where she could listen to the conversation without looking odd.

"That's right, in his hospital bed! Can you believe it?"

"Old habits die hard, I suppose. He's still Sloan, after all." Lexie felt herself blush beet-red as she realized what the nurses were talking about. They had tried their best to keep it down, but neither of them had done it for a long time. She supposed that Mark and Julia had probably slept together before the crash, but she didn't much like to think about that. He had broken it off with her the instant he could sit up in his bed, anyway.

"Well, he had better have his fun now. His stats are lower every day." Lexie stiffened. Sure, it was true that Mark had been having some bad days, but no one had told her that he was steadily getting worse. Dr. Webber was on his case; had he been lying to her?

"Seems to me like the surge happened today. That can only mean that it's downhill from here."

"It's a pity. He really cleaned up his act in the months before the accident." There was a silence that ran long enough for Lexie to wonder if the nurses had moved on.

"Any idea what his health care directive is like?" Lexie had begun to walk away, but now she stopped again.

"Yeah. He's given himself thirty days." _Thirty days?_ Lexie turned on her heel and ran back to Mark's room.

This time, he was asleep. Lexie was terrified to see that he already looked worse than he had in the morning; his blood pressure had dropped and there was a greyish pallor to his skin. Unable to help herself, she shook him awake.

"Did you elect to withdraw care after thirty days?" At first, Mark's face was groggy with sleep, but the understanding dawned on him slowly after she repeated her question. Mark didn't answer, which was answer enough.

"And you've been lying to me about your health." This wasn't a question. Lexie's eyes were brimming with tears and accusations, and she shook with anger. "How could you do that to me? Why would you let me believe that you were okay when you know you're getting worse?"

"I…" Mark shook his head. "I'm sorry." Lexie's anger boiled over and she took a controlled step backwards, balling her hands into fists.

"What if you die, Mark? What if you die! I'm alone, I've got no one, you're all that I have!" Lexie started to cry, oblivious to the stricken look on Mark's face. "Derek's left, and Meredith is dead and Cristina won't even look at me. My father has started drinking again since the crash, Molly is a world away and my mother was gone a long time ago!" She knew she was being unfair, that he'd only been trying to protect her, but in that instant she hated him for it. "You can't put me back together and then die, Mark Sloan. You _can't._ " He opened his mouth to say something, but she wasn't finished. "No more secrets, understand?" Mark nodded, his face a mask of guilt and resignation. Lexie felt some relief, knowing that from now on she wouldn't be lied to. Whether she could handle the truth was another story.

 _He's not going to die,_ she told herself firmly. _He's still very much alive._

"I love you." Lexie blurted suddenly. Her anger was draining away, replaced by a horrible fear.

"I love you too." Mark gave her his perfect smile, the one that made her feel unstoppable. Lexie might have gotten lost in it if her pager hadn't beeped, reminding her of the time.

"Shoot, I'm late for Zola!" Lexie shoved her pager into a pocket. "I'll see you tomorrow!" She caught a glimpse of Mark waving goodbye before she was running again, this time to the daycare.

"I'm sorry," she panted, leaning against the doorframe as a woman she knew only vaguely came out with Zola. The woman said nothing as Lexie lifted Zola into her arms, but Lexie could hear her muttering in disapproval as she walked away.

"Come on, Zo. Let's go home." She piled her niece into her car, strapping her into a car seat that she could finally negotiate without trouble, and drove the two of them back to Derek's house.

Unlocking the door, Lexie was immediately aware, like she was every night, of how huge and empty the house was. She could picture Derek's note perfectly, her photographic memory conjuring up every line in her mind. He didn't even tell her in person. All she got was a page to the daycare, and that damned note.

 _Lexie,_

 _Nothing is the way it was before. I don't know how to live my life without her in it. I have to get away, so I'm going to L.A. for a few weeks. A doctor here thinks he might be able to fix my hand. It's terrible that I should ask this of you, but you are listed as Zola's legal guardian if anything should happen to me or Meredith. I'm asking you, please look after her while I'm gone. I'm so sorry to have to do this, but you're the only person I trust enough with my daughter. She has no one else and I can't be a father to her in the condition I'm in._

 _You're welcome to stay in the house. It might be better for Zola that way. I'll call soon._

 _Derek_

For the first couple of days after the crash, Lexie was a robot. Her reaction to Derek's letter was almost mechanical. She'd looked after Zola before, once for a whole weekend while Derek and Meredith were out of town, so for a while, when she was still in shock, it only seemed natural. After about a week, Lexie had realized what a terribly irresponsible thing Derek had done, but it had surprised her to find that she couldn't be angry with him. When Derek was afraid, he ran. It was a part of who he was, and it would never change. If Derek needed time away to recover, Lexie had decided that she could give it to him.

Besides, having Zola with her in the evenings calmed Lexie down, and sleeping with her eased the nightmares. So Lexie had simply developed a new routine, one that included her niece. It would be more difficult now that she was able to operate again, but she was sure she'd find a way to make everything work. She felt as if she owed that to her sister.

That evening, Lexie went to bed early, curling up with Zola on the bed.

As she fell asleep, Mark Sloan fell into a coma.

For the first time since the crash, Lexie slept through the night.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: Thanks to all my regular reviewers (you know who you are)! You guys make my week. This chapter introduces a lot more characters, which hopefully is a good thing! Enjoy.**

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Chapter 7:

 _She walks into the hallway, shutting the patient's door quietly behind her and noticing him against her will. He's sitting in one of the chairs lining the hall that are meant for waiting family members. What could he possibly be waiting for?_

 _He holds out a box of chocolates. After a moment's deliberation, she moves to sit beside him._

" _The nougats are gone. Sorry." He smiles ruefully._

" _Aw," she makes a noise of mock-disappointment before reaching for a chocolate. It's nice, to be able to sit near him and joke with him again. It's not nearly enough, but it reminds her of the way things were before. "Did you get these from a patient?" Her voice is muffled as she chews, and she knows she must look like an idiot with her sticky hands and cheeks full of chocolate. But who cares? He's seen her look far worse._

" _No." He takes another chocolate from the box and examines it before popping it into his mouth. "I bought these for Julia, but she's standing me up for an emergency ocular transplant surgery, so I'm gorging myself on Valentine's chocolate." Julia. The reminder of everything that's over between them makes her stiffen. She's come to terms with being "just friends" with the beautiful man sitting beside her, but it's much easier to do when there's still the slightest hope of something more. With Julia in the picture, she knows she'll never be anything more than the one who turned him down. If they're "just friends," it's her fault._

 _But she wants this, and she wants things to feel normal again, so she offers an uncomplicated reply. "I'd mock you right now if my mouth wasn't so full." He frowns, and in another lifetime this is when he would have nudged her with an elbow or shot back a jaunty reply. Now he just stares down at the chocolate, not meeting her gaze._

" _Try the square ones. They're caramel with sea salt." As she picks out the recommended chocolate, she has to hold back a laugh. How ironic is it, that the two of them should end up alone together on Valentine's Day? It seems like the universe's idea of a joke._

 _He looks at her sideways and sighs. "I didn't want to disappoint her, you know? I bought candy and flowers." Oh, perfect. The universe knows how to rub salt into a wound._

 _There's a hesitation before he finally looks her in the eye. "I got rose petals, Lex. Bags of 'em." He shakes his head, and she realizes all of a sudden that he's not joking around anymore. That Julia let him down, and he feels humiliated. In the same second, she suddenly feels small. Mark Sloan wouldn't buy rose petals for just anyone. He never did for her. "I was looking forward to sharing it. But now I'm alone, on Valentine's day, eating chocolate." He smiles flatly and turns back to the box, allowing her a moment to collect herself. She pushes her emotions aside, forcing her face to assume an innocuous, if not entirely cheerful, expression._

" _I can do you one better." After swallowing the last bit of chocolate, her voice comes out clear. "My hot date tonight? Zola." She's gratified to see his eyebrows shoot up. "I am babysitting."_

 _The two of them share an embarrassed smile and one last moment together before leaving the hospital, each to spend the rest of the night alone._

…

Lexie wasn't even surprised by the news that Mark had fallen into a coma. When she arrived at the hospital twenty minutes early so she could drop Zola off, changed into her scrubs, and then found Dr. Webber waiting for her at Mark's door, her first thought was that she should have known. _I'm an idiot for ignoring all the signs. He was trying to tell me yesterday. He was trying to say goodbye, and I wouldn't let him._ She remembered the nightmare that she'd had in the woods, where she'd been trapped and dying under the wreckage. _You're not dying,_ Mark had said. _You're gonna be fine._ The two of them loved each other so much; of course it was going to be impossible to let each other go.

"...and because of the injuries he sustained, there isn't much-"

"-Thank you for telling me, Dr. Webber." Lexie's voice sounded strangely flat, even to her. Dr. Webber paused. If he was angry with her for interrupting, he didn't show it. "I'm going to be late for rounds." Lexie's tone was one of clear dismissal, but to her frustration Dr. Webber stayed right where he was. _Go away. Go away now._

"That's not all." _It isn't?_ Lexie bit back a venomous reply. _How many other ways can you find to ruin my life?_

"Before he-" Dr. Webber paused, checking himself. Lexie wondered if he had stopped because he was afraid to say the word _died_ around her or because he had just realized at the last second that falling into a coma might not exactly qualify. "Last night, Mark made a change to his health care directive." Lexie shook her head and started to walk away. She wasn't doing this right now. If Mark was brain dead, nothing in his health care directive could change it. Besides, he'd made it clear the night before that he wanted to make his own decisions about life-sustaining treatment. "Mark has made you his power of attorney." She stopped in her tracks.

"What?"

"He put his medical decisions in your hands, and revoked his decision to withdraw care after thirty days." Lexie couldn't bear the look of pity on Dr. Webber's face. "He… it's up to you now. He wanted it that way." Lexie found that all she could do was stare at Dr. Webber blankly, turning his words over in her head. Mark would never do that. They weren't family. They weren't even dating when they boarded that plane!

After opening her mouth to protest, Lexie found there was nothing she could say. Dr. Webber wouldn't lie to her. There was no mistake. There was just one more ugly decision resting on her shoulders.

"I have to get to rounds." Lexie said slowly. Maybe if she walked away and avoided this hospital room long enough, everything would go back to the way it was before. Maybe Mark would wake up again, and she'd never have to face the choices that he had left her in charge of.

Dr. Webber put a careful hand on her shoulder, searching her face. She wondered what he would find; all she felt was a vast emptiness, and it crossed her mind that maybe she wasn't out of shock after all. "You take care of yourself today," was all he said before turning and walking away. She watched his figure become smaller and eventually disappear as he rounded a corner, and she shut her eyes against the loneliness of standing in front of Mark's door by herself. _Everything's going to be fine. It's all going to be fine._ She didn't know why she bothered.

Five minutes later, she was in a patient's room beside Dr. Yang, standing tentatively off to one side. Cristina had been cleared for surgery even earlier than Lexie, but the two of them hadn't really spoken since the crash. Lexie was still harbouring some resentment for the way Cristina acted in the woods, so she had figured that it might be best to let them both grieve far away from each other. She saw now though that that might not have been the best decision after all.

"You're late." Cristina's voice was cold and she didn't even look at Lexie before turning back to the patient, a man in his late fifties. Lexie, confused, glanced at the clock. She was five minutes early, as she'd anticipated. She knew better than to be late for rounds. "Mr. Hengst, your stats look good, so we've scheduled your surgery for this afternoon." Lexie shifted her weight uneasily. Normally the resident would present the patient's case. She'd memorized all of Cristina's this morning before coming in. _Stephen Hengst, fifty-seven, presented with severely high blood pressure and pain in his chest. He's been scheduled for a coronary artery bypass, which, accompanied by a healthy diet and exercise, should eliminate the risk for further complications._ She was prepared and she'd been on time; why was Cristina so angry? "Dr. Mostow will be assisting." _What?_

"Dr. Yang-" Cristina shot her a death stare and Lexie shut her mouth, her fingers clenching Mr. Hengst's chart. It all suddenly felt like too much to handle. Suddenly Mark might never wake up and Cristina was kicking her off cases for no good reason? This was not how she had wanted her first day back to go.

Cristina gave her patient a detached smile and led Lexie out into the hall.

"Dr. Yang?" Lexie tried again. Cristina ignored her, leaving Lexie to follow like an idiot into the next room.

"Dr. Grey, present." Swallowing her frustration, Lexie focused on the next patient.

"Anna Beaumont, twenty-six, born with a congenital heart defect, is here for a heart transplant. The-"

"-Dr. Grey, how many times has Anna been here for surgery in the past year?" Lexie gritted her teeth. Cristina had no right to interrupt her, and that information hadn't been in the chart.

"I-"

"Who was Anna's last physician before she was transferred here?" Cristina was glaring at her, and Lexie realized all at once that she wasn't expecting her to have the answers. She was asking her difficult questions deliberately to make her look stupid.

"I- I don't know." Lexie kicked herself for proving Cristina right, but there was nothing she could have done. In order for her to have known those answers, she would have had to have taken a detailed patient history, which Cristina had done herself. Lexie could only be expected to know what was in the chart!

Cristina snatched the chart out of her hands. "You were late, and clearly unprepared for my cases. You're off my service." Lexie backed away, shocked and angry. For a moment, all she could see in Cristina's face was the same rage as when that jug of gasoline had been torn out of her fingers. "Get out." Lexie turned and left the room, her cheeks burning in humiliation. She couldn't understand why Cristina was acting so hostile. _She's grieving,_ the logical voice at the back of her mind spoke up. Lexie understood, but she couldn't summon much pity. Mark was lying in a bed with a tube down his throat. Meredith's ashes were still sitting on Lexie's dresser. They were all grieving.

Lexie sat outside the patient's room, in one of the chairs meant for family members. A memory stirred in the back of her mind. _What am I waiting for?_

"Hey." Lexie looked up to see April Kepner, a coffee in either hand. Lexie remembered overhearing that Dr. Hunt had kept her in the program because he was understaffed since the crash. The thought left her feeling slightly resentful.

April sat down, leaving a chair between them. _Keeping a safe distance,_ Lexie thought bitterly. But when April held out one of the coffees, Lexie took it gratefully.

"Long day?" April asked, her eyes on Lexie as she sipped the coffee.

"You could say that," Lexie sighed, wishing that she trusted April enough to confide in her. April had hung around Meredith quite a bit, but she and Lexie had never been friends.

"Hey, I… I heard about Mark. I'm sorry." Lexie felt herself stiffen. She did not want to talk about this.

"Yeah, me too." Lexie hoped that April would read into her tone and drop it. She didn't need to be reminded that Mark was, for all intents and purposes, dead. _Everyone is leaving, and everyone is dying._

"Do you know what… what you're going to do now?" April's voice was quiet. Lexie felt a flash of anger. _You mean now that it's my job to decide when to pull the plug?_

"No," Lexie said abruptly, "and since you're only sitting here because my sister isn't, you're the last person I'd want to talk to about it." She watched the hurt flare in April's eyes, watched her walk away, and she couldn't even bring herself to feel guilty. _I'm as bad as Cristina,_ Lexie thought dismally, burying her head in her hands. _I'll never be myself again._

"Dr. Grey?" Lexie looked up. Dr. Bailey was standing where Kepner had been, her lips pursed in concern. "Who has you on their service today?"

"No one." Lexie stood up. "Do you need me for something?"

"One of my patients is asking for you specifically. You can work with me for the rest of the day." Lexie nodded, relieved. If the patient had requested her, it means that she had developed a good relationship with them. A friendly face could turn her whole day around. She followed Dr. Bailey, wondering who it could be. Clara, the one whose arms were reattached after a boating accident? Or Justine, the writer whose characters seemed to perfectly sum up Lexie's life?

When Lexie finally entered the room after Dr. Bailey, she only vaguely recognized the man lying on the bed. He was chatting emphatically to a nurse as she checked his IV tube.

"- was my skydiving instructor all those years ago, and I'd been in love with her forever. After my accident, Dr. Grey was the one who convinced me to tell her how I felt." Lexie vaguely recalled the case, which had caused quite a stir throughout the hospital. The man, whose name was Rick Jones, had fallen 12,000 feet and only required an appendectomy. But Lexie was only an intern that year, and she hadn't been on the case. "I finally worked up the courage to ask her on a date, and the rest is history. We're married now, and we have a beautiful son, and it's all because of Dr. Grey!" Rick looked up, seeing Lexie in the doorway, and his face fell. Lexie had a sinking feeling in her stomach. "Oh, there must be a mistake. This isn't Dr. Grey." Dr. Bailey looked from her patient to Lexie, her face dawning in sudden understanding.

"No," Lexie answered, trying to keep the raw pain out of her voice. The universe had a sick sense of humor. "You're thinking of my sister." Dr. Bailey opened her mouth to apologize, but Lexie shook her head. The room suddenly felt very small. "Excuse me." Lexie nodded once to the patient and backed out of the room. Outside, she leaned on the wall, taking deep breaths. There was a monster inside her, struggling to break the surface, but she couldn't afford to let it. If she allowed herself to feel this grief, she might never be free of it.

"Lexie," Dr. Bailey stepped into the hallway, closing her patient's door quietly behind her. Her eyes were filled with pity. Lexie looked away. "Go home." Lexie was ready to protest, she wanted to protest, but no words came to her. She stood in the hallway with Dr. Bailey, fighting back tears, until the attending grasped her hand. "Today was hard," she began. Lexie opened her mouth to interrupt, but Dr. Bailey held up her hand. "but tomorrow will be better." _How do you know?_ Lexie wanted to scream. _How do you know that?_ "Go home." Dr. Bailey squeezed her hand and then disappeared back into Rick Jones's room.

Her heart heavy, Lexie picked up Zola from daycare and drove them back to Meredith's.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: Apologies again for the extremely long wait! Life has a way of blowing up in your face sometimes. Thankfully the inspiration for this story has only been growing! Thank you as always to all my reviewers for making this a really fantastic experience.**

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Chapter 8:

Ting! _She drags her spoon across the glasses, enjoying the aimless music. Somehow the discordant melody of metal against glass makes more sense to her than the crowd of people in the next room._ Ting! _The house is full of her coworkers and friends, she tells herself. If only that were easier to remember when all she could hear was screaming and_ Ting! _the sharp crack of gunfire._

 _Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Alex come into the kitchen. He shuts the door and she stares at him for a long second, putting down her spoon. He too has changed in her eyes. She has to swallow a bitter taste in her mouth as she remembers how he treated her; how he left her to the wolves after she_ _risked everything to save his life._

 _Moving awkwardly, Alex gives her a wide berth as he walks over to the fridge. She looks down, counting down the seconds before she can be alone again. A bottle top pops. The fridge door shuts._

" _You look hot. The whole, uh, "crazy eyes, tight dress" thing, it's, uh, it's working for you, for whatever it's worth." Gunshots would be more welcome than his guilty compliments and barbed insults. She feels his words settle deep in her chest, in the vulnerable part of her that no one should be allowed to touch. She waits for their sting to go away before she raises her gaze._

" _You think that you are so badass 'cause you lived." She smiles coldly, eyeing the spot on his chest where she knows the bullet still hides. Like an idiot, he hasn't gotten it removed. "Well I'm the reason that you lived." Her voice is carefully modulated to reveal none of her anger. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction. "And while you were dying, you were crying out for the wife who left you." Alex's face doesn't change, but his eyes flicker with something that might be shame. His beer remains untouched in his clenched hand. She holds his gaze, wishing that she were able to make him truly understand the fundamental difference between them: when he needed her desperately, she was there for him. When she needed him, she was abandoned. Next time she'd know better than to trust a runner._

" _So that's the opposite of badass, for whatever it's worth." She can't even be satisfied when his face falls. Their broken relationship is just a reminder of one more thing that won't ever be the same._

 _She walks out of the room feeling bitterly disappointed in the both of them._

…

Lexie's alarm startled her awake. She fought against the blankets, finally throwing the duvet to the floor and lying, tangled, in the sheets. She had been dreaming, she knew that for sure. Her mind conjured up a fractured image of Mark's face, his voice, scattered words that felt further away with every _bleep_ of her alarm. After nights of blissfully dreamless sleep, Lexie's mind felt scattered by the sudden onslaught of imagery. She knew from experience that the deadly mix of pain and longing weighing her down in bed would follow her all day.

Too soon, she was at the hospital. It had taken a strong will and plenty of practice to learn to ignore people's stares following her every move as she walked through the hospital corridors. In past years, Lexie had been about as incongruous as a resident could get. Besides the quaint novelty of being another resident's sister, there wasn't much for people to gossip about. Now she felt like a human magnet. Everyone- be it doctors, nurses, or sometimes even patients- seemed to want a piece of Lexie Grey's story. If they weren't muttering about Mark's health care directive, they were loudly wondering how it had felt to be in a plane crash. If they weren't shooting her covert looks behind her back, they were trying to get a good look at her through Mark's door. For weeks she had spent her days wishing to be invisible. Now she pushed past the stares and whispers as if they weren't even there. If there was one thing the crash had taught her, it was that a person could get used to anything after enough time.

Forty-eight days had passed since the plane had crashed in the woods. Forty-three days since they'd been rescued. Twenty-seven days since Mark had fallen asleep and not woken up.

Not that she was counting or anything.

 _Three days,_ Lexie thought as she changed into her scrubs. _Three days until he was supposed to be unplugged._ She tried, as she did every morning, to imagine herself making that call. Watching a nurse turn off the machines and remove the tube in his throat. Sitting with him as he died. But she couldn't. Every time she tried, all she could see was Mark in bed, his chest rising and falling in the comforting rhythm of sleep. She knew, deep down, that Day 30 would pass like any other. People would judge her harshly for it, she knew that too. But Mark had put himself in her hands and she wasn't even close to ready to let him go.

Lexie had been on Callie's service all week. The orthopedic surgeon was recently back to work herself, after having taken almost a month of leave after Arizona's surgery. Rumors had flown around the hospital that Callie and Arizona couldn't even look at each other after Callie ordered to have the other's leg amputated. Lexie wasn't sure how much truth there was to the stories and tried not to read too much into them, but even she had to admit that they didn't seem too far-fetched. Lexie had tried to visit Arizona both before and after the surgery, but Arizona had never wanted to see her. If she was honest, Lexie didn't even mind. She couldn't even look at Arizona without remembering the stench of rotting flesh.

Being on Callie's service wasn't much better. Callie seemed just fine letting Lexie do all the preop and postop work, as well as every single menial task in between, but Lexie had yet to see the inside of an OR. The closest she had gotten so far was one day when she had followed an emergent patient inside only to be ushered back out again and told the monitor the floor. Lexie wasn't sure if Callie didn't trust her surgical ability of late of if she just didn't want Lexie to have to watch anyone die, but either way Lexie was frustrated and a little offended. She didn't need people coddling her and protecting her; she just needed to go back to doing what she loved.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey." Callie was looking over a chart when Lexie met her at the nurses' station. Lexie noticed, not for the first time, that Callie had deep circles under her eyes. She found herself wondering exactly what things were like at home. If Arizona's nightmares were anywhere near as bad as hers, she couldn't imagine that Callie was sleeping much.

"Good morning, Dr. Torres," Lexie forced a smile, her eyes glancing over the chart. Hip replacement. Scheduled for 8:00 AM. She decided to take the plunge. "May I scrub in with you?" Callie froze, her eyes slowly lifting to meet Lexie's.

"Sure. I mean, if you think that's a good idea…?" Lexie fought back a groan.

"Dr. Torres, I really appreciate your-" _annoying, relentless babying._ "-support." But I've been cleared to operate for nearly a month and I haven't seen a single surgery." Lexie paused, steeling herself before going on. "Mark is in a coma. And Meredith is dead." Lexie hadn't expected it to hurt so much to say the two simple facts out loud. She had to force herself to finish. "And I'm ready to operate." Callie rubbed her forehead with her hands, looking more exhausted than Lexie had ever seen her.

"Fine." Callie's uncharacteristic surrender pulled Lexie up short. Briefly she considered asking Callie if anything was wrong, but she stopped herself. Callie's business was her own. And, if she was being honest, returning to an operating room was more important to her at the moment than Callie's personal issues. She had enough of her own to deal with already.

"Thank you!" Lexie breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll go handle preop and meet you in OR 2." Callie only nodded distractedly before handing her the chart. Lexie clutched it tightly, savouring the victory. She was operating today! It felt like a step in the right direction.

…

 _Beep!_ The sound of the monitor was as familiar to Lexie as her own heartbeat. She stared down at the unconscious patient, a woman in her late fifties, and watched as Callie made the first cut. She was excited. She was ready.

But then the first thin line of blood appeared, and Lexie broke into a cold sweat. She clenched her fingers together, breathing deeply. This was what she loved. That amount of blood was perfectly normal. _Beep!_ Lexie flinched. Suddenly the noise was not comforting, but abrasive. _Beep!_ Callie cut again. Lexie sucked in a breath.

"Dr. Grey?" _Beep!_

Back in the forest, her hands pressed over Meredith's stomach. _Beep!_

Arizona's leg, speckled red and white. _Beep!_

In a hospital bed, drenched in sweat. _Beep!_

"-Dr. Grey!" Lexie looked up, her eyes wide. Callie was stiff and furious, her scalpel pointing at Lexie as if in accusation. _Beep!_ Lexie's thoughts were scattered. Her heart was pounding. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the bloody scalpel. _I wasn't ready._ Lexie's face burned. She could smell gasoline. Her hands were shaking. Everything was all wrong. _Beep!_

 _I wasn't ready._

Callie slammed the scalpel onto the instrument tray and pointed to the door. " _Out."_ Lexie stumbled away from the table, tearing her mask off. She barely made it to the scrub room before her mouth filled with bile. She threw up into the sink, retching until there was nothing left in her stomach. Then she sank to the ground, hugging her knees. _Dammit._ She was furious with herself. She wanted this so badly. She wanted it so badly, and she blew it. _Dammit!_

The OR door opened. Callie towered over Lexie, her eyes dark with anger.

"I trusted you." Lexie was confused by the vulnerability in her voice.

"I know. I'm sor-"

"I trusted you!" There were tears in Callie's eyes. "I trusted you to be okay. Why can't you just be okay? I can't do this anymore! I can't do everything on my own, dammit!" Lexie shook her head, trying for words that wouldn't come. For a moment, the two of them stared at each other. Callie seemed suddenly to shrink. "I'm sorry, Lexie." Callie shook her head, turning away. Lexie realized all at once that this wasn't about her at all.

"Dr. Torres-"

"You weren't ready. I get it." Dr. Torres's voice had hardened. "Come back when you are." Lexie hung her head. She knew Callie was right, as difficult as it was to admit.

"I'm sorry." Callie didn't answer her. She just scrubbed and disappeared back into the OR, leaving Lexie alone and desperately wishing that she could follow her.

…

Lexie leaned against the brick wall of the tunnels, lost in memories. Meredith had spent a lot of time down there. So had Izzie, George, Alex, Cristina and, eventually, Lexie. It was the only place in the hospital where no one could find you. Lexie could remember days when it felt full. Now it was just her, on her own, listening for ghosts.

"Dude." Lexie jumped, whipping her head to the side. Alex was standing to her right, a bag of chips in his hands. He looked as surprised to see her as she had been to see him. "What are you doing?"

"I-" Lexie wasn't sure what to say. "I just- I freaked out in surgery today. And I think I got kicked off Callie's service. Which is twice in a month." Lexie could feel the tears well up in her eyes. She didn't try to stop them. "And I don't know what to do about Mark. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to operate again. And I miss my sister." Lexie wasn't sure what she expected from Alex; maybe that he would just stand there and not say anything, or that he would offer her a chip. Something.

"So stop crying about it." She knew she wasn't expecting that. "All you do is walk around this place like a zombie. It's freakin' weird." Alex popped a chip in his mouth. "We all lost people. It's what happens. You get over it or you don't. It's your call."

"Well that's a little insensitive, don't you think?" Lexie shot at him, feeling his words like a slap. "Meredith was your best friend!" Alex's eyes flashed with pain.

"Yeah, she was. And now she's dead, and I just gave a little girl a new pair of lungs." Alex started to walk away. "You get over it, Lex. Or you get out of here." Anger burned through Lexie's chest, but then it was replaced by something different: relief.

"Alex... thanks." Alex didn't look back. A moment passed before she noticed that he had left his bag of chips on the ledge beside her.

Lexie crunched on a chip and wondered if, for all his harshness, Alex might not actually be right.

…

"You would not believe the day I just had." Lexie tucked Mark's sheets close to his body and stroked his hair, feeling his forehead for fever out of habit. "Callie freaked out at me because I fell apart in the OR." She squeezed his fingers and glanced at the monitor. No change, as usual. "But between you and me, I think that she and Arizona are going through some stuff at home. If she comes and rants to you later, hear her out. She seems pretty miserable." Lexie shone her light absentmindedly into his eyes, doing the routine neurological checkup for no reason other than to preoccupy her hands. At first, she thought she'd missed it. She froze, her hand resting over his eyelid. She shone the light again.

Mark had a pupillary response.

Joy washed over Lexie and she almost paged Neuro right then and there, but she stopped herself. _A pupillary reaction in a brain-dead patient is often not indicative of any neurological activity. More often than not, it's just a reflex that can take months or even years to stop completely._ Still, it was something. It was hope.

Lexie was dialing Derek's number before she could stop herself.

"Hello?"

"Derek, I have tried to give you space to mourn, but I really need you back here. Now."

A pause on the line. "Is it Zola?"

"No, she's fine, it's-"

"I'm not ready, Lexie." Lexie's temper flared.

"Derek-"

"I'm not ready." Derek's tone was final. "I'm... I'm grateful to you for looking after Zola while I'm gone. And I know this must be hard for you. But I can't come home. I have surgery on my hand tomorrow."

"You don't understand-"

"Neither do you." Lexie's spirits sank. He really wouldn't listen. "I love you, and I'll be home soon. Just give me time, please." Lexie let the silence stretch. "Tell Zola I love her." The line clicked. Derek was gone.

But Lexie didn't have time to feel upset or betrayed. She had a patient to worry about.

"I will find the best neurosurgeon in this hospital to examine your case." Lexie promised to Mark, feeling determination flare up in her chest. "If there's hope Mark, any hope at all, I will bring you back to me."

Lexie tucked her phone back into her coat and ran to find Neuro.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

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Chapter 9:

 _She is sitting at her sick father's bedside, elbows resting beside his chest, when her sister walks in. She has been crying, but Meredith is dry-eyed. Meredith, who has his blood. Meredith, who could save him if only she felt he deserved it. She sees her and she is desperate. Please. Please give me my father back. But in her heart, she isn't sure that Meredith will. In her heart, she's terrified that her sister will let him die._

 _Blue eyes meet brown and then flit away. She wipes her cheeks in a futile effort to dry them. Please. It's my father._

 _"You used to pour my cereal in the morning." Meredith's tone is matter-of-fact, and calm enough to nearly mask the deep childhood hurt in her eyes. She feels terrible. She can't understand how a man who was so good to her could have caused her sister this much pain. He used to pour her cereal too, with a smile and a tap on the nose and a toy brought home from work. He used to make her happier than any little girl in the world. "That's it." Her father looks pained. Meredith doesn't stop. "That's all I remember about you." She can't imagine what that would be like. "You're not my father." He is to me. "You're just the guy who used to pour my cereal." He's that and so much more. "And if you die, it probably won't change my life that much." She knows now. This is it. Her sister is going to refuse to help. Her sister is going to do what's well within her right and sentence the only parent she has left to die._

 _"But it will change hers." She looks up. "If you die, it will break her." Meredith is right. She can't imagine life without him. She doesn't know how to pick herself up after another loss. "And I'm not gonna let you do that." Her breath catches. She's afraid to even hope._

 _"I don't know what it's like to have a father." Meredith shakes her head at Thatcher and then her eyes shift to meet hers. She gives her a tiny smile. "But I do know what it's like to have a sister. And it's good." The tears start to fall again. She is overwhelmed with love for her big sister, that she would do this for her. Nothing in the world could make for a more precious gift._

 _"And if we can get through this, the door will be open for us to get to know each other. The door's open." Meredith turns and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind her. She is left alone with her father, imagining a little girl who grew up without smiles, without treats, without Daddy. Wondering how she could be so lucky that the little girl without a father is willing to go under the knife for hers._

 _She sobs at her father's bedside, thanking God for the wonderful woman that, against all odds, her sister has managed to become._

…

"There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o!" Lexie sang along with her iPod as she pulled Zola's pyjama shirt over her head. Over the past few weeks, Lexie had become painfully familiar with most nursery rhymes under the sun, but Bingo was Zola's favourite. It had become a morning routine to sing through it as they got dressed.

"B- I- N G O!" Pyjama pants came off.

"B- I- N G O!" Pull-up went on.

"B- I- N G O and Bingo was his name-o!" Lexie popped a shirt over Zola's head, zipped up her jeans and helped her to stand. Therein ensued the regular twenty minutes of struggling to pull off something creative regarding Zola's hair, which inevitably ended with Lexie giving up and putting it into two relatively failsafe pigtails. Lexie was lowering Zola down into her highchair as Bingo finished its eighth run.

"Again Aunty, again!" Zola clapped her hands, her cheeks full of oatmeal. Lexie grinned, her finger scrolling through songs as she kept one eye on her niece.

"No Zo-zo, you know the deal. Your music before breakfast, my music after." Lexie finally stopped on one of her favourite Tegan and Sara songs and danced around doing the dishes until Zola was finished her breakfast.

 _"All I wanna get is…"_ Out of the highchair.

 _"A little bit closer."_ Shoes on.

 _"All I wanna know is…"_ Buttoned-up jackets.

 _"Can you come a little closer._ " Out the door.

Driving to the hospital, Lexie found she had trouble concentrating on the road. Over and over, she was seeing Mark's pupils contract in the beam of her penlight. She had searched for a Neuro attending before leaving the hospital the night before, only to discover that it was a quiet night and a fifth-year had been put in charge of the floor. She wasn't going to let any idiot fifth-year falsely diagnose Mark, and since it wasn't technically an emergency she had resolved to wait until the morning. Now she was running on next to no sleep, but she had never in her life felt more energized. She dropped Zola off at daycare at 5:00 on the dot, a half-hour before her pre-rounds started. The Neuro attending was waiting for her in Mark's room when she arrived there a few minutes later.

"Dr. Grey, I'm very much hoping that you paged me here because what you have to tell me absolutely cannot wait until rounds in an hour." Dr. Clemens, the surgeon on Mark's case, was no Derek Shepherd. He was balding and thin, with wrinkles on his forehead and none around his mouth. He had good credentials and was an acceptably skilled surgeon, but never went out of his way to do anything more than he had to. Lexie wished more than anything that Mark was in Derek's capable hands instead, but for now she had to make do.

The most important thing, Lexie knew, was to seem like a doctor and not a family member. She had one chance to make her case, and only Mark would pay if she blew it.

"I have reason to believe that Mark Sloan may not be entirely brain-dead." Lexie forced her hands to remain at her sides, willing them to not gesticulate wildly as she was known to do. Dr. Clemens looked no more intrigued than if Lexie had told him that the cafeteria was out of yogurt.

"And what reason is that? Was it a dream? A sign from God?" Lexie's cheeks burned. The neurosurgeon didn't even have the decency to take her seriously.

Dr. Clemens must have seen the anger on her face. "Dr. Grey, I know how close you are to the patient. I also know how tempting it can be to manifest false hope for a positive outcome." Dr. Clemens shook his head, a doctor's cold sympathy in his eyes. "Tell me what you had to tell me, but know that, in my professional opinion, Mark has been brain-dead for four weeks. And he will continue to be brain-dead until he is unplugged." Lexie drew in a sharp breath and willed back the tears. She could not be Mark's girlfriend right now, or his power of attorney. She had to be his doctor.

"Dr. Clemens, is it normal for brain-dead patients to have a pupillary reaction four weeks after having been declared brain-dead?" Dr. Clemens's eyebrows shot up. Lexie felt a second of gratification at his momentary surprise.

"It is not standard, but not uncommon." Dr. Clemens answered after some consideration. "Certainly nothing to hinge all of your hopes and dreams upon." Lexie bit her cheek against a waspish retort. "I'll examine him during rounds and order tests if it's necessary." He cut off Lexie's reply with a raised hand. "It would be unwise to get your hopes up. I will page you if anything changes." Lexie watched him walk away, different emotions turning over in her stomach. She strongly disliked Dr. Clemens and wanted to believe that his bad attitude made him a bad surgeon, but logically she had to admit that that probably wasn't the case. Much as she longed for a simple, easy solution, it seemed as if none would be forthcoming just yet.

 _He said he would page you,_ she reasoned. _Mark's been under for this long; another little while won't kill him. Try to go on with the day and forget about it for now._

As if forgetting about Mark was something that she had ever been able to do.

…

" _Doctor_ Grey." Lexie winced. Dr. Bailey had a way of addressing her that made her feel perpetually in trouble. She stood up a little straighter and braced herself. "There are two things that you need to explain to me before rounds, so I suggest you explain quickly unless you want to find yourself late."

"Ok-"

"Number one! It says on the schedule that you are on my service. Care to tell my why you're on my service and not in Ortho, where you have been every other day of the week?" Lexie sighed. With all her excitement over Mark, she had been able to put yesterday's abysmal performance in surgery out of her mind. Now the show was back on. In colour.

"I'm off her service," Lexie said meekly, wishing she could disappear.

"Are you making a habit of getting kicked off people's service, Dr. Grey?" Dr. Bailey's voice was hard, but her eyes betrayed her concern. Behind all the tough love, she was really only looking out for her.

"No, Dr. Bailey."

"Glad to hear it." Dr. Bailey handed her a chart. "You're on mine now, and I don't kick bad residents off my service. I keep them close and let them handle every abscess and enima that comes my way."

"I unders-"

"Number two!" Lexie blinked and shut up."For the past few weeks I've been seeing you around the daycare more than I have around patients." Dr. Bailey crossed her arms. "I thought it might be nothing, until I visited my son at lunch yesterday and found him playing with your niece, who is supposed to be out of town with her father." _Crap._ The fact that she was caring for Zola was never really meant to become a secret, but somehow no one had asked about it until now. Could she actually get in trouble for what she was doing?

Dr. Bailey pursed her lips and lowered her voice. "Lexie Grey, tell me that you are not looking after a two-year-old on top of everything else right now." Lexie looked at Dr. Bailey sideways for a long second before deciding that there wasn't much point in trying to hide the truth.

"Yes. Zola has been staying with me." Turns out, it wasn't herself that Lexie should have been worried about. It took Dr. Bailey less than a second to pull out her phone and speed-dial Derek's number.

"Of all the dirty, irresponsible, rotten things to do-"

"Wait! Hang up the phone Dr. Bailey, please." Dr. Bailey held the phone up to her ear for a second longer, staring at Lexie in disbelief, before punching her thumb to end the call.

"Lexie, that child is not your responsibility!" Lexie could tell that Dr. Bailey was just getting started, and she quickly jumped in before the conversation left her hands completely.

"I know. I've known that from the beginning. But…" Lexie struggled to find a way to explain. "I love her, Dr. Bailey." The words were unplanned, but they opened the way for the rest of her feelings to come spilling out. "I love her so much. I love waking up with her and playing with her. I love her laugh when she's surprised and I love how she curls up close to me at night. And-" Why not just admit it? "And I love that she reminds me of her mother every day." Lexie was expecting another rebuttal, but instead Dr. Bailey turned away and swiped at her eyes. She cleared her throat before answering.

"That family is lucky to have you." Lexie smiled sadly. There was nothing lucky about the way that Zola's family had been broken apart. Nothing at all lucky about growing up without a mother. But Lexie was doing her best. She and Zola would get each other through it.

Dr. Bailey cleared her throat a second time. "Tuck, he- he loves babies. So if you need a night, or a day, I can take her. If you need it." Lexie felt a swell of gratitude. Here, for the first time, was a chance at being less alone. It was a lifeline and it was as precious as gold.

"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means." Dr. Bailey swatted her.

"Enough! It's time for rounds." She ambled off, muttering under her breath "...makin' me cry before the sun's even up…" Lexie smiled, taking a moment to appreciate Dr. Bailey's complete lack of eloquence before running after her.

…

Lexie walked up the stairs, carrying Zola and counting flights until she made it to the fifth. This apartment complex was a second home to her. This was where she had been happy with Mark. This is where they'd lived in the precious few months when everything was right. If she could do it all over again, she'd go back and savour every last moment that the two of them had had here together. She'd reach for him when they were fighting and remind him that in a world full of plane crashes and comas it wasn't worth it to spend even a second being angry with each other.

Lexie had to force herself away from the apartment with 501 on the door. That wasn't what she was here for. She turned across the hall, to 502, and knocked on the door before she could change her mind. Callie opened the door, looking frazzled and entirely surprised to see her.

"I tried to call. I, um…" Lexie was suddenly cursing every instinct that had led her here tonight. "Zola misses Sofia." She lowered her voice. "And I've come to see Arizona." Callie looked from her to the toddler in her arms, her hand hovering over the doorknob.

"Aunty Callie!" Zola threw her arms open and squirmed to get out of Lexie's grip. Lexie send a silent thank-you to her niece as Callie smiled and reluctantly pulled the door open.

"You can come in. But I don't know how much luck you'll have." Callie's voice was full of bitterness as she turned to scoop Zola up into her arms. "Come on pretty lady, let's go find your cousin!" Callie nodded towards the closed door on the other side of the apartment and then walked away with Zola. Lexie crossed over to the door, but couldn't quite bring herself to knock. _Is this a good idea? What if I somehow make things worse?_ Talking to Dr. Bailey today had made Lexie see that the worst thing about the plane crash was the crushing loneliness that had followed. She had thought that maybe, if she talked to Arizona about what had happened, it could help them both heal and take some of the weight off of Callie's back. But the idea of facing up to the ugly truths of the crash also terrified her. Now that she was actually here, she felt frozen.

The sound of little girls laughing behind her strengthened her resolve. Sofia deserved a mother, and she still had one. Arizona's daughter needed her. She knocked three times on the door.

"Go away, Callie." Arizona's voice was muffled.

"It's not Callie. It's Lexie." Silence. Lexie pushed open the door.

Arizona was sitting up in bed, the covers pulled up to her stomach. Her hair was a mess of curls and all she was wearing was a blue tank top. She stared daggers as Lexie stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.

"Hi." Lexie tried for a smile.

"Get out." Arizona's voice rang out, clear and angry. "Leave my house."

"I really wanted to see you. I know how hard it's been-" Lexie struggled to make herself heard, but Arizona cut her off.

"You know? _You_ know? _You_ walked away from a plane crash without a scratch! _You_ are whole. You don't know anything, Lexie." Arizona pulled the covers closer to her and sneered. "Don't think I don't know why you're here. You're trying to heal, is that right? Trying to make it all better?" Lexie shut her eyes. _Yes. I'm trying. Please give me a chance._ "Well guess what: some things _don't heal._ "

"I know that. I'm sorry. I tried-"

"-and you failed, Lexie. You were in the woods, with nothing. Of course you failed. And Callie failed too. In a hospital full of medicine she chose to reach for the saw." Arizona slammed her fist against the nightstand beside her, rattling the wall. "You both failed, and I'm _stuck_ in this _goddamned bed_ paying the price." Lexie swallowed. She could see the decay of Arizona's leg. She could almost smell it. The forest, barely held at bay in the daytime, was threatening to consume her. "So I don't want to see you." Arizona's face was deadly calm. "Why don't you go back to crying over your dead sister and your dying boyfriend and just leave me in peace." Lexie drew herself up, her fists clenching. Rage and grief were boiling over, but she shoved them down and forced herself to leave the room without replying.

She nearly ran into Callie outside the door. "Lex-"

"I'm sorry. You're right." Lexie moved past her and picked Zola up off the floor. "She didn't want to see me. I shouldn't have come." She felt a deep resentment for Arizona then, who had called feelings back into Lexie's life that she was finally starting to bury. Arizona, who still had a family that was whole and that loved her. Arizona, who had lost a leg but not a sister. Not a lover. Not a life. Lexie would sit in a wheelchair until the day she died if it meant having Mark and Meredith back. She would give anything to have what Arizona was wasting.

Lexie carried Zola to the door and out of the apartment without saying goodbye and without looking back.

…

"Aunty, what's this?" Lexie turned around, surprised to see Zola out of bed, holding up a book.

"I'm on my way, honey. Hop into bed, I'm just getting your sippy cup. We can read that one tonight if you want." Lexie smiled at her niece and followed after her into the bedroom with milk in one hand and the book in the other. The two of them climbed into bed.

"And this one's called…" Lexie flipped open the book. "Oh." Her breath caught. A picture of Meredith smiled out at her. She had one arm around Cristina and the other held a younger Zola. It wasn't a storybook, it was a photo album. "We can't read this one, sweetie. Maybe a different book?" But Zola's eyes had lit up.

"Mommy!" She jabbed a finger at the picture, her hands struggling to flip the page. "More pictures, Aunty!" Lexie looked down at Zola. She had already grown so much since the picture was taken. Her mother would never get to see it.

Lexie turned the page.

"Who's that?"

"That's Mommy with her new puppy that she brought home from the pound."

"Who's that?"

"That's Mommy and Daddy on a ferryboat."

"Who's that?" Lexie's eyes fell on the picture and she had to fight back tears.

"That's Mommy and me with grandpa in the hospital." She remembered it so clearly. "He was very sick and Mommy helped him to be all better." Zola was already flipping the page.

"Who's that?" Lexie smiled, the picture blurring and then becoming crystal clear after the tears fell.

"That's- that's Mommy and me." The picture was perfect, taken by Derek outside Seattle Grace after a long day at the hospital. Both sisters looked exhausted, but they were smiling. A patient with terrible odds had pulled through. That night, Derek and Meredith had invited Lexie back home to celebrate with champagne and takeout from Meredith's favourite pizza place. Eventually Derek went to bed, but Lexie and Meredith stayed up and danced until all hours of the morning and then spent their next shift regretting every second of it. Careful writing on the back of the picture said _Me and Lex, February 2012_. Just a few short months before the crash.

Lexie wasn't sure where the photo album had been hiding this past month. Zola had never come across it before. But she knew that Meredith would want her to treat it as a gift. She felt a surge of love for the woman in the photos and, in that instant, missed Meredith more than ever.

"Oh no, Aunty!" Zola reached up and brushed the tears off of Lexie's cheeks. Seeing the little face gazing up at her, Lexie felt the terrible tightness in her chest loosen. Meredith was gone. But this little girl, this legacy, was still here. And for now, she was Lexie's to protect.

"Bedtime, Zo." Lexie carefully shut the photo album and put it on the end table. She turned the light off.

In the dark, she began to sing.

 _"Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleepy little baby._

 _When you wake, you shall have_

 _All the pretty little ponies…"_


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: I am so, so sorry you guys! Long story short, I had this whole story planned out in detail on a wonderful document, which proceeded to get deleted. I was so angry and frustrated that it took me months to even want to start planning again from scratch. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm going to get through it because I owe it to all of you to finish this to the end. Thank you to all of you who have jumped on this bandwagon along the way; you're the reason I didn't just give up.**

 **This is the long-awaited chapter 10 and halfway mark for the story. As always thank you thank you thank you to those who favourite, follow and (especially) review. You're amazing and I love you all.**

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Chapter 10:

 _Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. Her leg shakes and her sneakered foot bounces against the floor. Her eyes stare straight forward. Darkness tugs constantly at the edges of her vision, but she can't sleep. Won't sleep. Sleep is where the monsters get you._

" _Does, uh, anyone have anything to say?" Dr. Perkins seems to be staring right at her, even though his words address everyone in the room. They're all here: Meredith, Cristina, Alex, April, Jackson... all the lucky survivors. " I know that, uh, a lot of you are only here because this has been mandated. So let's talk." Silence. The man has good intentions, she's sure. She wants to tell him that maybe he'd make some progress, if this were any other group of people. But it's not. This is a group that's survived bombs and cancer and busses running over their best friends. And now a shooting._

 _Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap._

 _This group is too far gone to be saved by a well-meaning therapist._

 _Taptaptaptaptaptap._

" _Anything at all?" A shooting. People were shot. I was almost shot._

" _I ate a really good taco," Cristina offers suddenly, "from one of those trucks by the side of the road." Of course. She's not surprised that no one around her wants to even talk about the truth._

 _She blinks, and blinks again. She's so tired._

" _When?" Meredith sounds surprised, and slightly annoyed._

 _No one is talking about it._

 _Taptaptaptaptaptap._

" _Last night, you were asleep." Cristina shrugs and leans back in her chair. Comfortable. Lying._

" _Which truck? The one on 7th?" A different voice. Jackson. Lost his best friend._

" _I want to go, I like tacos." Alex. Still has a bullet in his chest._

" _Me too." Someone different, April, somebody, but it doesn't matter because all the voices are blurring together and none of them are saying anything anyway and she can't do it anymore._

" _I read a book about the history of mass murders in the U.S." There's a tremor in her voice. Like the tremor in her leg._

 _Taptaptaptap._

" _That's- that's the actual name of what happened to us. It was a mass murder." No one is looking at her. That's all right._

" _You can't call it a terrorist attack, because the murders weren't political in nature. And we weren't the victims of a serial killer, because Mr. Clark would've had to murder several people over a period longer than 30 days in order to qualify as a serial killer." Words, words, find the words to describe it. Words are clinical. They're safe. "We could call it a spree killing, which is defined as killings at two or more locations with no break or pause in between because Mr. Clark shot that guy in his car before he got here but- I'm not sure that that counts as a true second location since it was so close to the hospital." She's talking too fast. She slows down, gulps some air, tries again. "Which means that we were a mass murder. Because it happened at one place, by one person, and more than four people were killed." Killed. They were shot. Oh God, she's so tired._

 _The others stare at her. There's a long silence._

 _Taptaptaptaptaptap._

…

Lexie took a big gulp of her coffee. The scalding liquid burned her tongue and she had to bite back a colourful swear as she parked her car and held a hand up to her mouth. _That is just the perfect way to start the day,_ she thought, leaning up against the headrest and giving her coffee the evil eye.

"You were the one thing I thought I could trust." she told it reproachfully. Then she had to laugh, because it was 100% ridiculous of her to be sitting in her car, talking to a coffee cup as if it had personally betrayed her. Well, at least she wasn't so far gone that she couldn't laugh about it.

She was parked in front of her father's house. It was noon on a Sunday. Zola was at the zoo with Dr. Bailey and Tuck and Lexie had another two hours before she was due at the hospital. She had figured that she should put in some time with Thatcher while she had it, even though the last thing she wanted to do was go inside and deal with the drunk man who was at once familiar and a stranger to her. Ever since the crash she never knew what she would find when she went to visit the house that she'd grown up in. Sometimes Thatch was sober and happy to see her; sometimes he was drunk and anything but. Lately it had been a bit of a frustration for Lexie, who didn't find it exactly fair that someone who had barely known Meredith in life could so grieve for her after she was gone. What right did her father have to drink himself into oblivion when all of Meredith's closest friends and family were going on with their lives?

It had been two months now that Mark had lain in a hospital bed with machines breathing for him. Four more weeks had passed since Dr. Clemens had promised to examine him for signs of brain activity. No further tests had been ordered, and no one, not even her friends, seemed willing to entertain the idea that Mark still had a chance. Yet every night, before Lexie went home, she shone the penlight into his eyes and watched his pupils contract. Most of her free time had been dedicated towards research. The results were inconclusive; sometimes a pupillary reaction meant that there was hope and sometimes it didn't. It would take an exploratory surgery to be able to tell one way or another, which is one thing that Lexie knew she couldn't do on her own. If she thought she was skilled enough she'd have snuck him into an operating room and examined his brain herself, whether it costed her her medical license or not. Unfortunately, the only person who she trusted to touch Mark's brain was still dodging responsibility in L.A. Lexie was resigned to watching and waiting. And leaving message after message for Derek, who she had almost run out of patience with.

After her tongue stopped throbbing, Lexie grabbed her traitorous coffee and walked up to Thatcher's front door, letting herself in. The first thing that hit her as she opened the door was the smell; a sour, alcoholic sharpness intermingled with the nauseating reek of puke. There was also a distinctive odour of food gone bad. Her eyes scanned the kitchen, noting with a familiar mix of worry and anger the many empty bottles on the kitchen counter and the filthy dishes piled high in the sink. It hadn't been nearly this bad when she had come over about a week ago.

It took Lexie nearly an hour to gather up all the bottles and do the dishes. In all this time her father didn't make an appearance. She was finally drying her hands on a dishtowel after wiping down the empty sink when Thatcher came stumbling down the stairs with a half-empty bottle in his hand. He leaned heavily on the railing, squinting at her. Her heart sank. He was as drunk as she'd ever seen him.

"Lexie!" he slurred, waving the bottle in her direction.

"Hi dad," she said calmly, walking over to him and moving to take the bottle from his hand. He yanked it away.

"Leave it." He clutched the bottle tighter, looking at her with something like hurt.

"Dad, you're drunk-" Lexie tried, reaching for the bottle again. Thatcher took a step away from her, nearly tripping on the bottom stair.

"Leave it, Lex!" Thatcher's eyes were cloudy with scotch and anger. "I don't need a goddamned babysitter!" Lexie flinched. It hurt; it always did. She almost left him to it, but then remembered how much of a mess the house had been in when she had arrived. Thatcher was worse even than he had been lately.

She made another grab for the bottle and saw the hand coming for her face a second too late. The slap burned like fire. Lexie gasped in shock and pain, staring at her father through watering eyes. He had never, _ever_ struck her before.

Thatcher seemed to regret what he had done the instant it was too late to take it back. "Lex-" He reached for her, but she recoiled, reaching for her coffee with trembling hands.

"I- I'm going to be late for work." she said haltingly, and then threw the door open and ran to her car before he could say anything in reply.

It took Lexie the whole first half of her drive to work before she could stop crying, and then the whole second half to apply enough makeup to her face to hide the damage. She couldn't believe it. _My drunk father just hit me,_ she kept saying to herself. It felt like a bad dream.

At work, she avoided people's gazes, changing into her blue scrubs in silence. She was less talked-about now. Even the novelty of a plane crash wore off eventually.

A quick glance at her schedule revealed that she was on Alex Karev's service for the next week. She sighed, trying to ignore a brief flash of worry. Sometimes Alex was too perceptive for his own good, and Lexie didn't feel like answering any of his questions. Hopefully they could keep things about work.

Lexie had barely tied the drawstring on her pants before her pager beeped, summoning her to the pit. Alex was waiting for her when she arrived. He held out a yellow trauma gown and helped her tie it in the back as the ambulance pulled up.

"What is it?" she yelled over the sound of sirens.

"Two kids. Car crash. One of them has already been declared dead." Alex glanced at her sideways. Lexie steeled herself.

"Got it," was all she said in reply. She wouldn't allow herself to think of Meredith. These kids weren't Meredith. They still stood a chance.

The paramedics threw the back doors of the ambulance open and pulled out two stretchers. "Elizabeth Kerry, twelve, multiple fractures and an abdominal bleed." Lexie grabbed the stretcher and wheeled it inside, barely hearing the paramedic's second report. "Michael Kerry, nine, unresponsive. We lost his pulse on the way here-" the doors shut.

Lexie wheeled the patient into Trauma Room 2 with Alex right on her heels. "Page Hunt and tell him to meet us upstairs. We need to get this girl into surgery now," he yelled at a nurse. She nodded and reached for the phone. Alex turned to Lexie. "Are you coming or not?" he shot at her. Lexie looked out the window, into the room where doctors were futilely pumping blood through the little brother's heart. She almost said no. She didn't want to watch a child die today. But then she found herself nodding, heard herself saying, "Yes, I'm coming," because this was her job and because maybe Elizabeth's life depended on her. Alex nodded and the two of them wheeled the table out of the trauma room and into an elevator.

…

Lexie slumped into a chair in the resident's lounge, utterly exhausted. After a six-hour surgery, the girl had barely pulled through. Alex was cautiously hopeful. After that had come the ugly job of explaining the situation to two distraught parents, who were now somewhere in the hospital crying over their son's body.

It had been one hell of a day.

"It's just a waste, you know?" Lexie overheard two third-years talking and sat up. "They declare them dead and then bring them here anyway, and then whole teams of surgeons have to waste time trying to make miracles happen." Lexie tensed. All day, she had been successful in pushing thoughts of Meredith to the back of her mind. Now Lexie was bombarded by a crystal-clear image of her hands on Meredith's chest, pumping, praying for a miracle. She remembered the little boy this morning. Anger flooded her chest and her leg began to shake.

 _Taptaptaptaptap_.

"You're just jealous that I got to assist in an actual surgery while you were on dead duty." The other resident joked, filling up her coffee cup.

 _Taptaptaptaptaptap._

"Yeah well, at least I didn't have to be there to tell the parents. They always freak out and deny it and you waste time having to comfort them. That's not why I became a surgeon."

 _Meredith please, you can't die, you can't!_

"Shut the hell up." Lexie heard herself say, as if from a distance. The two residents turned to look at her.

"Sorry?" The one with the coffee asked.

"I said, _shut the hell up._ " Lexie stood, stilling the tremor in her leg. "You don't know anything. Neither of you. You claim to be surgeons and then you _complain_ at the opportunity to save a life? You think it's _beneath you_ to have to give families bad news?" Lexie took a breath, steadying herself. "You walk around here like it's your God-given right. Guess what: it's not. And until you have earned your place here, until your scrubs are dark blue and your resume is full and you can call yourself an experienced surgeon, don't you _dare_ talk ill of your patients or their family members. And even then, you had better be damn sure that I'm not around to hear you because I will still kick your smug attending asses and make sure you never see the inside of an OR again!" The residents jumped and moved past her to the doorway, muttering apologies. Lexie sighed and sat back down, closing her eyes.

"That… was pretty badass." Lexie opened her eyes, startled. Callie stood in the doorway, her arms crossed.

"Dr Torres!" Lexie stumbled over her words, her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I know it was inappropriate-" Callie held up a hand, stopping her.

"That was the first time in a long time that I've seen you stand up for yourself. You taught those two a lesson without losing your cool, which is exactly what's supposed to happen. I'm really proud of you." Lexie smiled, faint with relief.

"Thanks." Callie walked into the lounge, pouring herself a drink.

"I'm sorry about what happened, the last time you came over." Callie stirred her coffee, not looking Lexie in the eye. "Arizona's in a really bad place. I wish you hadn't had to see it."

"It's all right, it wasn't your fault." Lexie stared at the floor, feeling suddenly awkward.

"And I'm sorry for kicking you off my service." Lexie looked up, surprised. "I was angry and I took it out on you when I shouldn't have. We're all in this together and I need you to know that I have your back." Callie put her drink down. Her eyes were shining. "He was my best friend and I-" She stopped, cleared her throat. "I know how much he loved you. To me, you're part of the family."

"Thank you." Lexie's heart felt full as she stood and embraced Callie, willing herself not to cry. She could feel Callie shaking against her shoulder.

"I miss him so much, Lexie," Callie choked out.

"Me too," she said, and held Callie as she cried.

…

Lexie unlocked the door to her father's house and immediately made her way into the kitchen. Every time she found a full bottle of alcohol, she uncorked it and let it drain down the sink. Then she'd throw the empty bottle into a growing bag at her feet.

"Lexie?" Her father's voice made her turn. She shook the bottle she was holding, letting the last of the alcohol drip out into the sink. "What are you doing?" Lexie turned and dropped the bottle into the bag.

"I'm purging this house." She said, her voice like iron. "I'm tired of having to deal with it."

"What?" Thatcher rubbed his eyes. He seemed hungover, Lexie observed, but not drunk anymore. She wondered with no small amount of bitterness if he even remembered what he had done to her earlier that day.

"You're sobering up again." Lexie tied the bag of bottles, standing up straight. "There is no alcohol left in this house- and I hid your keys." she added hurriedly. Thatcher just stared. "I love you, dad." Lexie said, looking him in the eye. "I love _you._ And I'm not going to pick up after your drunken messes anymore. Meredith and mom would never want that." Lexie hefted the bag and made her way to the door.

"You have one week to sober up." she said. "Go to the AA meetings, every day if you have to. Get back on track. Show me that you can do it." She opened the door with her free hand, feeling the wind whip her bruised cheek. "And if you can't, I'm sending you to rehab." She turned back to look at her father, whose eyes were filled with guilt and- could it be?- pride.

Then she left the house, shutting the door behind her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: I had a lot of fun with this chapter. I wrote the whole thing while listening to Cha-Ching by Hedley, which seemed especially fitting for the cafeteria scenes. This chapter's lighter, but there's a reason. Something /huge/ is happening in the next one. Any guesses as to what it could be?**

 **Thank you to all my readers. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!**

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 _Chapter 11._

 _You are the future of medicine._

 _Only you can keep you down._

 _You're not just a good doctor, you're a great doctor._

 _She's sitting in the cafeteria, eating a sandwich and reading. She feels like a villain, but she can't seem to stop. And honestly, why should she? The stupid Mercy Westers- and especially April Kepner- deserve it._

" _This blows." Alex says, sitting down at the table. Cristina slams her tray down and sits in the empty chair between them._

" _Getting your ass kicked?" Cristina says it like it's funny, but no one is joking around. Losing jobs isn't funny. Being upstaged by a horde of newcomers is nothing to laugh about._

" _Shut up." Alex replies, biting into his sandwich. "I hear yours got a standing ovation in the ER."_

" _Yours is the one who saved the whole ER from the maniac with a hammer?" She speaks up. Poor Cristina! She doesn't stand a chance at this rate._

" _Okay, he didn't save anyone." Cristina retorts defensively. "He did some stupid ninja leap and then tripped a guy. I used actual medicine to stop a person from dying."_

" _Well mine has a notebook." The words spill out against her will. "A notebook that she takes notes in, notes of a very personal nature. And I stole it." She still can't believe herself._

" _You what?" Cristina can't believe it either._

" _Give it." Alex demands, reaching across the table._

" _No!" She pulls the stolen notebook away from him, moving to tuck it into her bag. " No, I am not sinking to their level. They are vindictive and they are aggressive and they are not team players, and if we are not careful, that spirit is going to infect our hospital." She looks at them seriously. "We have to fight it."_

" _Which is why you stole her notebook?" Cristina says with a grin._

" _And read it," says Alex through a mouthful of sandwich. Well, they've got her there._

" _Well she's not a very nice person," she mutters. It's the only defense she can come up with._

" _Hey," Izzie saves her from having to say more, walking up to the table with a coffee in either hand._

" _Oh, score!" Alex reaches for one of the coffees. "You rock."_

" _Oh no, that's not for you." Izzie smiles apologetically._

" _Who's it for then?" Cristina asks, sounding like she doesn't really care one way or the other._

" _Charles." Izzie's staring at them as if waiting for them to protest. And they do._

" _Your Mercy West guy?" Cristina asks incredulously._

 _Alex is still holding the coffee, looking at it in disbelief. "They're handing us our asses on a plate and you're serving him coffee?"_

" _Charles is actually kind of awesome," Izzie reaches for the coffee, plucking it deftly from Alex's hands, "and if you all could get past your sad little egos, you would realize you can't write off all the Mercy West residents just 'cause you feel threatened." Izzie turns and walks away._

" _Oh- we don't feel threatened!" Cristina calls after her._

" _No!" Alex echoes. There's a silence before she says what everyone's thinking._

" _Yeah we feel pretty threatened." She takes a bite of her sandwich. Alex looks around, something dawning on his face._

" _Dudes, they're not here," he says, craning his neck as he scans the cafeteria._

" _Hallelujah." Cristina rolls her eyes and goes back to her food._

" _They're not eating." Alex is looking at them like they're missing something. What is she missing? "They're working."_

 _Damn._

 _She shoots out of her seat, snatching her lab coat and bag and abandoning her sandwich to follow a cursing Alex and Cristina out of the cafeteria._

 _The stupid Mercy Westers would be the death of them all._

…

"Hi Derek, it's Lexie. Again. I get the feeling that you probably just delete these messages without listening to them, because I don't know what kind of person could listen to upwards of thirty of them without feeling some kind of remorse or guilt- or something. Anyway, just calling to let you know that your daughter is still alive, since you'd have no clue if I didn't tell you. She's talking in sentences now. So that's great. Also, your best friend is still in a possibly-reversible coma. Of course, we won't know exactly how reversible it is until you come back, because you're the _best neurosurgeon in the country._ Aside from that, I'm doing great. I really appreciate how often you check in and return my messages. At least I would appreciate it if you did it. Ever. In case you didn't get it yet, I'm pissed at you Derek. So at least come home so I can yell at you in person-" _Beep._

Lexie punched her phone screen in frustration, shutting it off. What was the point of an answering machine if it didn't record long enough to catch her entire message? There were still a few choice things that she had wanted to say to Derek, the lousy, disappearing, moronic- _grieving,_ she reminded herself. Because Meredith was the post-it and the house of candles and the mother of his child. She was a lot of things that he probably missed, badly.

 _Well I miss them too, you know._ Lexie thought as she pulled on her scrubs. _Maybe it wouldn't be quite so bad if we were missing her together._

It had now been almost three months since Lexie had heard a single thing from Derek. She had tried everything- calling Addison, sending him letters, leaving message after message on his phone- and she'd gotten absolutely no response. It was as if he'd dropped off the face of the earth. For the first couple of weeks, even months, she had swallowed her feelings of anger and betrayal and told herself to give him his space. Derek was a runner. It's how he dealt with stress. He ran and ran, but he always came back, given time.

Well he'd been given plenty of time. Lexie was a sixth-year resident-turned-mother, and she was beginning to resent it. That was without even mentioning Mark, who was Lexie's house of candles and who might stand some semblance of a chance if Derek could just show up for the game. If Derek only knew how much Lexie had on her plate, how badly she was about to need some help… she shook her head, trying to clear it. Everything was going to be fine. She could get through this. She was a plane crash survivor, for heaven's sakes.

Her pager beeped. Lexie straightened from tying her shoe and walked as quickly as the rules would allow to the Pit. Since the crash, Lexie had stopped hoping and praying for big bloody cases; after living through one herself, she was a little more sensitive. But she couldn't entirely quell the flash of excitement that she felt when the ambulance pulled up with its distinctive howl.

"Building collapse. Forty-seven year old male, multiple lacerations, possible head contusion… and that." Lexie craned her neck, her eyes widening in shock as the gurney rolled towards her. The man had a metal rod sticking up from inside his stomach.

Hope and pray or not, sometimes the big bloody cases found you anyway.

"Wicked," Lexie heard a voice and turned to see Jackson Avery looking at the pole the same way others might admire a gourmet meal before taking their first bite. April stood beside him, a similar look on her face.

"I need two residents," Hunt appeared beside the gurney, wheeling it up the ramp. "Who am I taking?"

"Me- I want it!" Lexie put her hand up, a second before Avery and April did the same. Hunt considered for a split second, looking between the three of them.

"Grey." he barked. Lexie nodded, feeling a second of satisfaction before noticing the look on April and Jackson's faces. They looked at each other, and then at her. April whispered something in Jackson's ear. "And A-"

"Actually Dr. Hunt, Jackson and I just remembered. We're in the clinic today." April started to back away. "Respectfully, sir." Hunt's eyebrows shot up, but then the man on the gurney moaned and his focus returned to the patient.

"Looks like it's just you and me today, Dr. Grey." Hunt said, not even sparing a glance for April. Lexie smiled, wanting to feel excited, but the smile died on her face. She stood, watching April and Jackson walk away with their heads together. Neither of them had wanted to work with her. For the first time since the crash, it occurred to Lexie that maybe Mark and Meredith weren't the only friends that she'd lost.

"Dr. Grey!" Hunt was looking back at her expectantly. "We doing this or not?" Lexie took a breath. It was time to work. She could think about the rest of it later.

"We're doing this," Lexie replied, and followed him into the hospital.

…

"So how's this gonna work?" Mr. Greene glowered at Lexie as she checked his catheter.

"Well, your injury isn't as serious as it looks." Lexie said cheerfully, though she was privately resentful. Minutes after she had brought the man inside with Hunt, another ambulance had pulled up with more victims of the collapse. Most of them had been taken straight into surgery. "The pole missed all of your organs, but there's still a risk that there will be a lot of bleeding when we remove it. So we've given you something for the pain, and Dr. Hunt and I are going to take it out and patch it up in the OR this afternoon." Lexie smiled at the man, who just stared at her resentfully. Lexie looked away, feeling suddenly awkward. "Is.. is there anyone I can call for you, Mr. Greene?"

"No," he said irritably. "There's no one." Lexie frowned, concerned.

"No family? Or friends, even?" she pressed, looking through his chart. "Having support is a big part of the recovery process."

"There's no one." he repeated, glaring at her. Lexie glanced up from the chart. In spite of herself, Lexie felt sorry for him. He was only forty-seven and he had no one. How did that even happen?

"If you stare at me a second longer, I'm asking for a different doctor." he said irritably. "You smile too much, and your voice is annoying." Lexie blinked, not really knowing how to respond. _Well, that explains why he's got no one here for him,_ she thought to herself, clipping his chart to the bed.

"I'll be back in a few hours to take you into surgery," Lexie said, turning to leave.

"Lucky me," Mr. Greene's barbed retort followed her out the door.

…

"So my patient is a complete jackass." Lexie said, sitting down beside Alex and biting into her sandwich. "Pole through the abdomen and he's going in for a _routine surgery._ It's not even emergent!"

"Sucks for you." Alex had a drink in one hand and a book in the other. "I'm taking point on a multi-organ transplant later. For a six-year-old. Tiny organs. Months of planning." Alex grinned at her.

"You have something in your teeth," she told him resentfully.

"Still studying up for your big surgery?" Lexie looked up to see Cristina walking over to the table. She set her tray down, motioning at the book in Alex's hands. "If you don't know what you're doing by now, don't you think it's a little too late?" Alex glowered at her.

"Shut up," he muttered.

"I don't know, sometimes it's good to have a refresher before the surgery starts." Lexie offered. Cristina whirled, glaring at her. Lexie shrank in her seat.

"I didn't realize there was someone else sitting with you, Alex." Cristina said, her voice sharp with hostility. She took her tray and stalked over to a different table.

"Dude, what did you do?" Alex asked, not looking up from his book.

"I wish I knew." Lexie sighed. She took another bite of her sandwich before pushing it away. She'd lost her appetite.

"Well, you should figure it out." Alex reached for her sandwich. "I'm tired of only ever sitting with one of you." He bit into the sandwich without asking for permission. Lexie watched him for a second, exasperated, before standing up.

"I'd better go prep my patient for surgery." she said, picking up her tray. "Good luck with the transplant." Alex nodded.

"Good luck with jackass," he replied.

"Thanks." _I'm going to need it._

…

"Oh, it's you." Mr. Greene stared up at her, eyes narrowed.

"Yep, still me." Lexie shone a penlight into both of his eyes and pulled out her stethoscope to listen to his heart. "Your surgery went great."

"Are you always so happy?" Mr. Greene asked irritably. "I've only spent an hour with you today and I'm exhausted by it." Lexie bit back a sharp retort. _No, in fact. I am not always this happy. Right now, for instance, I sort of feel like sticking you with a pole again._

"Yep," she said shortly, taking off the stethoscope.

"Well, good for you." Mr. Greene said, surprising her. "At least you'll never up alone like me." Lexie stared at him. "Happy people never end up alone."

"That must be nice for them." Lexie said sardonically.

For a moment, Mr. Greene stared at her in silence. Then, without warning, he started to laugh.

His laughter was contagious, and soon Lexie found herself joining him.

…

Lexie stood in the change room awkwardly, waiting. Soon April and Jackson walked in, laughing over some joke. They froze when they saw her. Lexie took a breath.

"I used to be one of the happy people." Lexie said quickly, before they could leave. They stared at her blankly. "You know, an optimist. Sparkles and rainbows. Someone who smiles a lot. A smiley person." Lexie could feel herself derailing. _Salvage the main idea, salvage it!_ "The point is- I'm not really one of the happy people anymore."

"Lexie…" April began.

"No, please listen." Lexie was determined to finish what she'd started. "When you reached out to me after the crash, I pushed you away. I was really rude to you, and I'm sorry."

"It's really not-"

"I'm not one of the happy people anymore." Lexie pressed on. "At least I don't think I am. But I am a person. And I'm kind of a friendless person at the moment. And it's kind of my own fault. So what I'm saying- what I'm saying is- I'm done pushing people away. I don't want to end up forty-seven and alone if I get stuck with a pole in a roof collapse."

"I don't really understand…" April said apologetically. Lexie sighed.

"I want to be your friend. Both of you." She looked from April to Jackson. "And I've fallen off the bandwagon, I realize that, but- I can be a good friend. If you give me a chance." There was a long silence. Lexie examined the floor, afraid to look at the two people in front of her.

"Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow night?" Jackson spoke first. Relief flooded through Lexie and she looked up.

"I would love that." Lexie smiled.

"Great. I'll text you my address." Jackson walked into the change room and pulled off his shirt. April opened her locker and hung up her lab coat. Lexie stood, watching them. They were acting like it was nothing, but it really didn't feel like nothing to her. She was overwhelmingly grateful.

For the rest of the day, Lexie couldn't seem to get the smile off her face.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except or my writing.**

 **Note: I have been looking forward to writing this chapter since I came up with the concept for this story. I really hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.**

 **Special thank-you to everyone who reviewed chapter 11. I feel like you guys really understood where I was trying to go with the chapter and it was absolutely amazing to hear how much some of you have come to enjoy this story. Please keep reviewing! Love you guys.**

* * *

Chapter 12:

 _She walks the halls of the hospital, thinking about Patient X. Somewhere, in this very building as like as not, there is a twenty-nine year old female who is dying of stage-four cancer. The thought makes her shiver. She's a doctor; she sees death every day. But today was the first time that she really, truly felt the loss. Yesterday, at least to her, Patient X was an enigma. Her scans were inconclusive, her prognosis a mystery. Today, she's as good as dead._

 _She passes the radiology room and sees Dr. Stevens, hesitating for a moment before walking in. She has a strong sense of admiration for the older surgeon, who has been the first- and only- resident to really push the interns and do her best to teach them. Of course, she remembers with a faint sense of embarrassment, the majority of her year wasn't exactly grateful. It might do Dr. Stevens some good to hear that her teaching really had an impact, at least on one of her many students._

 _Dr. Stevens looks up from a scan, noticing her in the doorway. She offers a smile._

" _l learned a lot today, diagnosing a patient from beginning to end. So, thank you- for teaching us." Dr Stevens stares at her blankly for a second before smiling tightly and nodding her head. Feeling vaguely uncomfortable, as if she must have said something wrong, she turns to leave._

" _What would you say?" Dr. Stevens asks her back as she pulls open the door. "To Patient X. How would you… how would you break the news?" She lets the door shut behind her and turns around. What would she say to the mystery girl? All she really knows is the medical answer; the words that are in the textbooks, the bland, colourless phrases that can't possibly make any patient actually feel better._

" _Um…" She shifts, crossing her arms. "l would say that l was very sorry, and that there were support groups, that…" She stops, feeling her incompetency more potently than she has in a long time. Doctors were meant to heal. How can it possibly be enough for a doctor to look a patient in the eye and simply tell them that they're sorry? "l don't know." She says finally. Dr. Stevens looks at her, the barest trace of disappointment in her eyes. "What do you say to somebody who's, who's gonna…" She can't even finish the thought._

" _You say they have a choice." Dr. Stevens turns away, pulling the scans from the machine in front of her. Her voice is hard and unsympathetic; a surgeon's voice. "They can run away and hide from it, or they can face it. You say they need to be around the people who love them because it's gonna be the toughest fight of their life and no one should do it alone. And then you give them the odds." She nods, but her heart is sinking. In this case, the odds are practically a death sentence. "And even though a five percent survival rate is bad, it's really bad, you say-" Dr. Stevens stops. She swallows. "You say..." She stops again. Shakes her head, as if she herself is at a loss._

" _Screw the odds." She hears herself say. Suddenly she desperately wants Patient X to pull through. She wants her to know that she still has a chance. "People die of the hiccups. My mother died of the hiccups." She wonders if it would ever stop hurting. "Survival rate for that is, what, a hundred percent? The odds are that she should be alive right now." There's a tremor in her voice. She fights to still it. "The odds are that the- the odds mean crap. So people should face it and they should fight." Dr. Stevens stares at her in silence, her face unreadable. She suddenly feels very self-conscious. Her outburst was of a much more personal than a surgical nature. "Maybe not those words." She adds hastily._

" _No, exactly those words." Dr. Stevens replies, and smiles for real. Her surprise must show on her face, but Dr. Stevens doesn't remark upon it. "Thank you, Dr. Grey," is all she says, before turning back to her scans._

 _She nods, feeling a flash of pride, and lets herself out, hoping that- whoever she is- Patient X turns out to be brave enough to face the odds and maybe, just maybe, even beat them._

…

There must be some mistake.

Lexie looked down at the tablet, her heart sinking. There, spelled out in bold, was the thing she had been dreading for months. She was on Dr. Yang's service.

It really was a pity, Lexie reflected, that the best emergent cardio surgeon who had worked at Seattle Grace in a long time absolutely hated her guts. Lexie liked cardiothoracics. She would like to get better at it, only not at the expense of her dignity and possibly her life. She had a feeling that she might lose both today, if something wasn't done about this.

A few weeks after her supper at Jackson's, Lexie was doing pretty well for herself. Derek still wasn't responding to any of her phone calls, Mark was still lying in a coma and Cristina still wasn't speaking to her, but other things had begun to come out of the woodwork that almost made up for the many frustrations. Jackson and April, for example, had proven to be a godsend. The initial awkwardness and lack of common ground had finally begun to give way to good conversation and shared stories. April, Lexie had learned, was extremely adept at planning a girl's night out. And Jackson was utterly hilarious, especially after a couple of shots. Thatcher was also doing better; he had taken Lexie's words to heart and sobered up, and when Lexie confronted him about the slap he had apologized a million times over. Lexie wasn't quite ready to forgive him, but a part of her couldn't help but be proud of the progress he'd already made.

Of course, none of this would mean anything if Lexie couldn't figure out how to get herself off of Cristina's service. Dead people can't hang out with friends. Or take care of fathers.

"Dr. Bailey-" Lexie rushed up to the older surgeon, who had her back to her. "I'd like to request-" Dr. Bailey turned around. Behind her stood none other than Dr. Yang herself. Lexie stopped in her tracks, feeling a flush spread to her cheeks. How was she supposed to talk to Dr. Bailey now?

"Let me guess," Dr. Bailey began, taking a step towards her. "You two-" she raised a hand, pointing between Lexie and Cristina. "-have had some kind of fight over something that I don't care about. So now you're both here, complaining to me, "Oh please, _Doctor_ Bailey, give me someone else to work with." That sound right?" Lexie felt sheepish, and also a little worried. It looked as if Cristina had wanted her gone as much as she did herself.

"Dr Bailey-" Cristina began impatiently. Dr. Bailey raised a hand, effectively cutting her off.

"You want _me_ to change _my_ carefully planned schedule which took up hours of _my_ time, so that you two can continue to act like children and not talk to each other." Cristina tried again.

"It's not-"

"No." Dr. Bailey said, pursing her lips.

"I'm just asking for-"

"The answer's no, Yang." Dr. Bailey looked down at a tablet, scrolling through the schedule. "You're both big girls, you can share the playground." She shut the tablet off. "After this week you can go back to playin' with your own nasty little friends." Dr. Bailey walked away without giving either of them a chance to argue further. The two of them stared at each other for a moment, Lexie shifting nervously, Cristina stiff with anger, before Cristina reached over the nurses' station and snatched a chart.

"Marina Gibbons, twenty-seven. Born with a rare heart defect. She needs a transplant, and she's getting one. Today." Cristina shoved the chart into her hands and started to walk away. "We operate at 1:00. You'll be prepping her." She added without turning around.

"O- okay." Lexie stuttered. "Thank you Dr. Yang!" she called after her, feeling foolish. Dr. Yang rounded a corner without giving any indication that she'd heard. Lexie sighed.

"It's going to be a long day," she muttered to herself, tucking the chart under her arm. She still had a lot to do before the 1:00 surgery.

…

"...So then I turned around and told him, "It wasn't just one pig, it was three!"" Lexie stared at April blankly before letting out a delayed- and painfully forced- laugh.

"Oh, that's a good one April!" she said as the cafeteria lineup inched forward. "It really cracked me up!" April's cheeks reddened.

"Oh, just forget it," she retorted, swatting her. "My jokes are wasted on you." Lexie snorted.

"You got that right." Lexie's pager beeped, cutting off April's reply. Lexie glanced at it and cursed. It was a 911 for Marina Gibbons.

"What's the problem?" April was looking over her shoulder at the pager, brow creased in concern.

"I…" Lexie couldn't finish. What could she possibly tell her that would make sense?

"Grey!" Lexie whipped around. Cristina was halfway out of the cafeteria, motioning at her impatiently. "She's coding, we have to do this surgery now." Lexie felt frozen. A heart transplant could take upwards of eight hours.

"Dr. Yang, I really have to eat something before I-"

"Are you kidding me?" Dr. Yang glared at her, livid. "You're kidding, right?" Lexie shook her head, wishing she knew how to explain.

"No, I don't-"

"You are a surgeon." Cristina cut her off again. "And I am not letting you screw this one up. " Lexie's face flushed. People were beginning to watch the standoff, heads moving between Cristina and Lexie like a ping-pong match. "OR four, Grey. _Now._ " Dr. Yang swept out of the cafeteria. Lexie looked after her silently, wishing that she could disappear.

"Show's over, folks!" April snapped at the watching doctors, who quickly became very interested in their food. "I think you had better go, Lexie." she murmured to her, voice low. "Dr. Yang really isn't messing around." Lexie took a deep breath. _It's okay. It'll be fine. You can do this._

"You're right." Lexie stept out of the line, ignoring the many pairs of eyes that were still surreptitiously trained on her. "I'll see you later." She gave April a tight smile, steeled herself, and ran after Cristina.

…

Lexie stood quietly as Cristina straightened and smiled.

"The heart's beating on its own." Cristina said, as if she'd never doubted it. In reality, it had been seven difficult hours of doubt and close calls, but Lexie figured it might be prudent to keep that observation to herself. "Now all we have to do is..." Lexie blinked. Cristina kept talking, but Lexie couldn't hear her voice. A dull roar began to build in her ears. _No, come on Lex, you're so close!_ Blackness crept up on the edges of her vision and she swayed, fighting to keep standing. _It's a dizzy spell, it's going to pass, you can do this, you're okay-_

She didn't remember falling. Suddenly she was on her knees, two nurses looking down at her. She picked herself up, feeling herself frantically for injury. _No, no, this is not how this was supposed to happen…_

When she looked up, Cristina was scowling at her.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded, still wrist-deep in the patient's chest.

"It's not- I'm- I'm just-" Lexie stumbled over her words, feeling panic clench at her stomach.

"Is there something wrong with you? Are you sick? Because you really should have told me before I let you anywhere near a-"

"I'm pregnant." Lexie blurted. She swallowed, her heart pounding in her throat. The secret was out now. There was no going back.

"You _what?_ " Cristina was staring at her as if she'd grown two heads. Lexie didn't think she'd ever seen her so surprised before.

"I'm pregnant." she repeated quietly. "I would have been okay for surgery today, but I didn't get the chance to eat anything beforehand." Cristina opened her mouth, shut it again. There was a long silence. Lexie looked up, past Cristina, and saw all of the surgeons in the gallery staring back at her. Her news would be all over the hospital by the time she scrubbed out.

Cristina followed her gaze. "Go," she said finally. "Go deal with this." Lexie didn't need to be told twice. She tore her mask off and slammed the button for the automatic door, backing out of the room as quickly as her pounding head would allow.

…

The supply closet was empty and blissfully quiet. Lexie slipped in, closing the door behind her, and sat against a wall, pulling her knees to her chest.

Pregnant. It still felt strange and alien even to think it. For months, she had kept the secret, praying that no one would notice that she stopped going to Joe's or that she always had to eat a meal before a long surgery. She had had her first three checkups at a different hospital to avoid the prying eyes and ears of her coworkers. She had hoped and prayed that Derek would return so that she wouldn't have to look after two babies when she didn't even feel ready for one.

The secret was never meant to last this long. She had searched for the right moment to tell people, but it had never come. Her emotional fallout from the crash was private, and something that Lexie had had to come to terms with by herself; the baby growing inside her was so closely intertwined with all of the terrible things that had happened that it had only felt right to struggle through it alone the same way she had everything else. _It's just as well that people know now,_ she thought to herself, trying to find some semblance of a silver lining. _The secret wouldn't have kept itself much longer. You work in a building full of doctors and you're starting to show._

The door to the supply closet opened. Lexie glanced up to see April, a look of deep sympathy on her face. She came over and sat beside Lexie, putting a hand on her shoulder. Lexie had to fight the urge to lean against her and cry. Instead, she managed a weak smile.

"So I guess you heard, huh?" April nodded, choosing not to respond with the obvious: by that point, everyone in the hospital had heard.

"How far along are you?" she asked softly.

"Sixteen weeks." Lexie said, the response automatic. Sixteen weeks since Mark fell into the coma. Sixteen weeks pregnant. Her heart twisted at the memory.

 _I'm having a good day and I know exactly how I want to spend it._

One last moment together, in a hospital bed. Just one moment, and they had made a baby.

"Whose is it?" April was looking at her, concerned. At first Lexie fought back an urge to laugh- who else's could it possibly be?- but then she realized that most people weren't paying as close attention to dates as she was. To April and the rest of them, it would seem as if the timing of his coma ruled out Mark as the father.

"It's Mark's." Lexie replied, ignoring April's surprise. "Before the coma." Lexie felt panic rising in her again, suddenly, threatening to choke her. Comas, plane crashes, death. There was so much in the world fighting against her and this baby. How could she possibly face it all by herself?

"I don't know what I'm going to do, April." she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I don't think I can get through this alone. "When April put her arms around her, the tears started to fall. Soon she was sobbing, shaking with grief and with fear. She held onto April for dear life, crying harder than she had since she was kneeling beside her sister's body. She was pregnant. Meredith was dead. Mark was in a coma. Everything was so wrong.

Eventually, Lexie fell silent. April pulled away from her, grabbing her hands. "Lexie, listen to me." she said urgently. Lexie met her eyes, fighting back more tears. April's face was hard.

"You are not going through this alone." she promised. There was a fierceness in her voice which shocked Lexie into almost believing her. "You are not alone, you hear me?" Lexie shook her head.

"Everything has gone wrong, April, What are the odds that this will be any different?"

"Screw the odds!" April said vehemently. Lexie heard the echo of a voice in her ear, saying the same thing. "You're having a baby, Lexie! Mark's baby! If you haven't already beaten the odds then I don't know anything that ever could."

"I'm having a baby." Lexie echoed faintly.

"You're having a baby!" April smiled, squeezing her hands. Lexie took a breath, beginning to feel stronger.

"Help me up?" she asked April, who nodded and stood. "I think we need to go find Alex."

…

In the ultrasound room, Lexie cringed as Alex squirted the cold gel onto her bare stomach. April stood by loyally, watching the door to make sure no one else came in. Alex touched the probe to her stomach, maneuvering it until it was just below and to the left of her bellybutton.

"There," he said, pointing to the monitor. "There's your baby." It was her fourth appointment, but the familiarity did nothing to stay the rush of emotions that fought for attention when she looked up at the screen. There was pure, unadulterated joy; there was terrible fear; pride; and love; and a fierce desire to protect.

Alex watched her, a knowing look in his eye. "Sixteen weeks, right?," he asked, looking at the monitor. "We can tell the gender now, if you're interested." Without hesitation, Lexie nodded. She had had enough surprises to last her a lifetime.

Alex smiled. "It's a boy." Lexie shut her eyes, savouring the moment. She was having a boy. It was messy, and ugly, and the worst timing in the world, but it didn't matter because she was beating the odds. She was having Mark's son, and she already loved him more than she could ever have thought possible.

 _We're having a boy, Mark._ Lexie thought, praying that some part of him could hear her. _So you have to wake up soon. Wake up and meet our son._


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: Holy moly. Can I first just say I'm sorry. I never intended to go over a year without updating this story. But sometimes life happens, and you have to hunker down and do less of what you love and hope and pray that your readers don't give up on you. Long story short, I am back. And this story is going to get finished. Thank you to everyone who comes along and finishes it with me. And a special thank you to whichever guest posted the last review on here, a day ago. Sometimes it takes a little kick to get you going and yes, you can thank Guest's heartfelt plea for getting me off my ass and onto my computer. Here's your update, friend. :)**

 **Thank you to everyone who reads, and especially everyone who reviews. It is seriously my favourite thing.**

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Chapter 13.

 _She walks up the front steps of her house- Meredith's house, she corrects herself. Meredith's mother's house, she amends again. But it encourages her that, even just for a moment, she considered it her own. God knows she needs a little encouragement today._

 _Derek took the day off from work after Meredith flew to write her boards and Zola came down with a stomach bug, so she's been on the neuro floor all day making the rounds. No surgeries, which for once is a relief. Last week she removed a twenty-seven-year old's brain tumor, and with it her ability to speak. Two days ago, she had been prepared to clip an aneurysm, her first, when Dr. Shepherd decided mid-operation that she wasn't ready after all. Surgery, normally her ace in the hole, has become as volatile and unreliable as all of the other driving forces in her life._

 _She lets herself in, ready to creep upstairs with her tail between her legs and fall asleep in her clothes. But Derek is downstairs on the couch, and he looks up when she comes in._

 _"Where have you been all night?" Derek turns from her to Zola, who plays between him and the coffee table and who, she notices faintly, is dressed up as a bumblebee._

 _"At the hospital, I was finishing your neuro research-" she can't help herself. "Why is she in a bumblebee costume?" Derek sighs, looking down at his black-and-yellow clad charge._

 _"She's thrown up on all of her other clothes." She smiles slightly. Derek looks almost as exhausted as her. The unprecedented mutuality between a long day alone at work and a long day alone at home compels her to set down her purse and sit beside her brother-in-law on the couch._

 _"Mark said that, uh- that he misses me." She knows she shouldn't be doing this. Derek doesn't want to hear about this. But she doesn't know who else to talk to and she doesn't know what to do. Mark Sloan is the other driving force in her life. She had to break it off with Jackson because she's still in love with him. And today, he said that he missed her. He said that he wants to be friends. Shouldn't that be enough? She wants it to be enough. Needs for it to be. It isn't. "But I miss him, you know? I, I really-" Staring across the room, she makes a helpless gesture with one hand and her eyes fill with tears. "I really miss him." In her efforts to keep her feelings from spiralling completely out of control, the statement came out sounding like a question. There's no question. She misses Mark, more than it should be possible to miss anything. She feels the slight pressure of Derek's hand at her back, but she forces herself not to derive any comfort from the gesture. If she lets herself be comforted, she'll never get up from this couch. She continues without looking at him. "You know, and he- he thinks that I still love Jackson, but I try to tell him that I don't, I try to tell him that I still love- him." Saying it aloud doesn't make it any more real. It doesn't affirm her feelings. She knows it already, every minute, every day, even when the words are silent on her tongue. "But- but I- I open my mouth-" Now the tears fall. The frustration- the self-hate- the guilt. "-and nothing comes out. And everything is terrible." She hides her face in her hands, and cries. Derek continues to rub her back._

 _"It's gonna be okay." But how can she believe him? "It's gonna be okay."_

 _In three days, she's boarding a plane. In three days, nothing will ever be okay again._

…

When Lexie first found out that she was pregnant, she thought for sure that it was a mistake. She was a doctor. She knew that pregnancy tests could be unreliable. Hormones become unbalanced all the time. Hell, even doctors made mistakes, and they were real people who'd spent upwards of twenty years in school. So forgive her for being a little skeptical of a small plastic stick's ability to make a proper diagnosis.

She went to Seattle Presbyterian and had a blood test done. A living, breathing doctor looked at her results and affirmed that, yes, she was having a baby.

And she was still unconvinced. She wanted a second opinion. So she went to Virginia Mason and had another blood test. Third time's the charm, she figured. Inevitably, it came back positive. She really was pregnant. And unless God had decided to make Lexie the next Virgin Mary, the baby could only be Mark's.

Looking back on it now, Lexie knew that her unwillingness to accept the baby wasn't a result of skepticism at all, but of fear. She was a sixth-year resident. The baby's father was in a coma. She was already looking after her niece every day. Of her closest family in the city, one had left for L.A. for an indeterminate length of time and the other was sitting in an urn on her mantel. Her father was a recovering alcoholic. Her mother was dead. What part of that spelled "You have a support system"? Which part spelled "You can handle this"?

Absurdly, when she was keeping it a secret, she could almost pretend that it wasn't happening. Out of sight, out of mind. Nine months was a long time. She didn't have to worry about the actual, physical baby for another 250 days, give or take. And no one knew, so besides the sudden absence of of alcohol in her life and the occasional bout of morning sickness, nothing was different.

Now everyone knew. And everything was different.

There was no hope of forgetting about the baby's existence now. The baby was everywhere. Every resident's sideways look- there it was. The cafeteria lady's care to serve her salmon after she ordered a burger- baby's there again. The car seat, set of baby bottles, and six boxes of diapers that had consecutively wound up on her doorstep and for which she still hadn't found out who was responsible- you're having a baby. In case you missed it somehow. There might as well have been banners announcing her pregnancy in the hallways for every doctor, nurse, administrator and patient to see. She imagined the banners sometimes. In her mind, they were shiny and pale blue and all they had on them was a cartoon baby's face and the words _congratulations, Lexie!_

In a lot of ways, she was relieved that the news was finally out. She didn't have to keep such a tough secret anymore. And if she was being honest, she recognized that ignoring the fact that she was having a baby might not actually be the best way to deal with the information. A week after her collapse in Cristina's OR, the option of ignoring her imminent motherhood (and her growing belly) felt long gone. And her 250 days had rapidly shrunk down. Still, she had another four months if she could convince Alex to let her work up to the thirty-third week of pregnancy (which, she had to admit, wasn't all that likely), and she was determined to make the most of them.

To start with, she had to get herself off of Cristina's service.

When Lexie arrived at Dr. Bailey's station before pre-rounds, she had her plea all worked out.

"Good morning Dr. Bailey," she began, "I-"

"Dr. Grey, how are you feeling?" Dr. Bailey looked up at her from a chart. Lexie had the feeling she (and her belly) were being closely analyzed.

"Uh- fine. I was-"

"You getting enough calcium?" Lexie blinked.

"I think so. I just had a question about-"

"And you're sleeping? Not too uncomfortable at night?"

"No." Lexie was at once touched and exasperated by everyone's growing concern for her. She wasn't the first person- or even the first doctor- in the hospital to be having a baby. Far from it.

"Good. What do you need." Finally, Lexie saw her opening.

"I'd like to request to be put on someone else's service." She plowed on before she could be interrupted again. "Cardiothorasics tends to have more long surgeries, and with the baby I'm just not sure-"

" _Lexie_ Grey." Lexie was forced, again, to stop. "Do not tell me that you are using your _unborn child_ as an excuse to get out of spending time with Doctor Yang." Lexie deflated.

"I thought it was a good excuse," she muttered to her sneakers. Dr. Bailey took a step towards her and Lexie looked up. She could see frustration in the older surgeon's eyes, and concern.

"What happened between you two?" Lexie said nothing. Dr. Bailey pursed her lips and waited.

"I don't know." Lexie finally said. "I think-" she's never voiced this worry aloud before, "I think she's angry with me for being alive." Dr. Bailey's eyebrows came together and Lexie went on, her voice low. "I've been on her service all week and she just- doesn't talk to me. Or- she only says what she has to say. I don't know. Mostly she makes sure that- makes sure I'm- doing something- away from her." She finished lamely, and kicked at the floor. "I'm sorry, I should probably just deal with it-"

"No." Lexie blinked, surprised. "No," Dr. Bailey sighed, "I'll move you off her service." Lexie felt a flood of relief.

"Thank you." Dr. Bailey nodded, and returned to her chart.

"You can work with Dr. Torres this week." Lexie's relief dimmed slightly. Last time she worked with Dr. Torres she majorly screwed it up. But since then the ortho attending had called her badass and had a good cry with her, so maybe it would all balance out.

"Yes. Okay. Thanks." She backed away "Thank you."

"You take care of yourself, Grey." Dr. Bailey said without looking up. Lexie nodded, and thanked her again, and left to find Torres. She didn't want to be late.

…

Dr. Torres had been happy enough to see her.

"It's a big surgery this afternoon, I'm going to need good hands." She said by way of greeting, handing Lexie a chart. Katherina Markiewitz, thirty-one. Scheduled for a-

"Total femoral leg replacement surgery?" Lexie, shocked, looked up at Torres.

"Yep." Callie nodded. "New hip, new knee, new thigh bone. Eight hours. You up for it?" Callie's voice was casual, but her eyes were serious. Lexie recognized that she was giving her an out. And it might be smart to take it. Last time she had promised Callie that she was up for a surgery, she had turned out to be anything but ready. This time though, she was already promising herself that things would be different. She nodded.

"I just have to eat before we start." Callie, to her credit, didn't push any harder.

"Sounds good. I'll met you for pre-op in an hour. Go grab some food." She took the chart back from Lexie and moved on down the hall. Lexie took a deep breath and walked the other way, towards the cafeteria.

…

They were six hours into the surgery when Katherina's blood pressure suddenly skyrocketed.

"There's a clot." Callie's voice betrayed none of her worry, but Lexie watched as she glanced up at the clock. "Suction." So she suctioned, but the blood seemed to be coming from everywhere at once. Both of Callie's arms were occupied holding the new hip joint steady. "Okay, Lex, give the suction to Bokhee." Lexie handed it over to the nurse, her heart pounding. "Now you've got to go in with your hands, okay? Do not touch the bones. Stay proximal to the femoral artery and feel until you find the clot." There was tension creeping into Callie's voice now. Katherina was running out of time. Lexie carefully edged her hands into the wide-open gap in the patient's leg. _Come on, come on_ … the monitor was going crazy. And there was a lot of blood… _No. Not this time. This isn't the woods, Lex. You can save her_. She wasn't sure if it was Mer's voice in her head, or Mark's. Maybe, she realized with some surprise, it was her own. All at once her hands found the clot.

"Got it." Five mattress sutures and it was over. The heart monitor slowed. Callie smiled.

"Excellent work, Dr. Grey. Let's close."

…

After the surgery, Lexie was taking a much-needed breather in the resident's lounge. She was going to go see Mark in a bit to do her routine neural exam, and then it was time to take Zola home for the day. She wondered, for the trillionth time, when someone was going to start taking her seriously about Mark. She had tried every neurosurgeon in the hospital, and worded her concern in a hundred different ways. _A pupillary response could mean- What if Mark could be- studies have shown-_ Once, only once, did she break down and play the pity card. _He's the father of my baby._ Every time she was refused. It was Derek, it seemed, or nothing. And Derek was nowhere to be found.

"Hey." Callie was standing in the doorway. She seemed to be waiting for Lexie's permission to come in.

"Hey." Lexie nodded and Callie came and sat across from her her on the stiff couch.

"You did an awesome job today." Callie said, and smiled.

"Thanks." Lexie felt a little self-conscious. It hadn't been all that impressive. "You did all the hard work." Callie shrugged modestly. For a second they sat in silence.

"I never really told you congratulations." Callie nodded towards Lexie's stomach.

"Oh- thanks." Lexie felt like an idiot, repeating herself again, but there wasn't much else to say.

"They'll be half-siblings. Sofia and… baby." Callie said. Lexie blinked. She hadn't even thought of that.

 _A sister and two brothers. So Sofia can have siblings._

"We'll need to make sure they see each other a lot." Lexie said finally. Callie nodded. "How's…" Lexie hesitated. "How's Arizona?" Callie's gaze hardened.

"Not much of a change." She said shortly. Lexie lowered her gaze.

"Sorry."

"No, it's-" Callie sighed. "I wish we could move on now. It's just- I know I wasn't there. I know I'm not- I wasn't there. I just wish we could move on now." Lexie nodded slowly, silent. "She has a daughter. We have a daughter. I just don't get it."

"Maybe she just needs more time." Lexie offered quietly. Callie's eyes were dark with anger.

"She doesn't have any more time." She looked over at Lexie, and put her hand on her knee. "It's time to move on, Lex. Arizona's got to move on with her life. And you- you do too. I think you need to unplug Mark." Lexie stared at her, shocked. Callie stood up. "I've got a consult." She left the room, Lexie looking helplessly after her.

…

For a long time, Lexie sat at Mark's bedside in silence. She didn't know what to say. Didn't know where to start. Usually she would tell him about her day, describing patients and surgeries in painstaking detail, sometimes for hours. Waiting. Hoping. For the slightest movement, the slightest noise. She would have had a lot to tell him today. She got through a big surgery. But now all she can think of is Callie's hand on her knee and the pity in her voice.

"Callie thinks it's time for me to give up." She finally said to his closed eyes. Zola, driving toy cars on the floor in front of her, didn't even look up. Her niece knew the routine by now. In this room, when Lexie spoke, it was okay not to listen. Lexie didn't say anything more. But she thought, about the baby growing inside her and what it would be like to raise him without a father. She thought about Cristina, sitting for days beside Meredith's body. And she wondered, honestly, if she would ever be able to recover from losing him.

"Oh, I-" Lexie looked up, her thoughts interrupted. Dr. Webber stood in the doorway. "Just thought I'd stop in." Dr. Webber gave her a slightly pained look, as if he understood the inadequacy of his own words. Just stop in, in Mark's room, with his pregnant partner, who is also his power of attorney, who sits at his bedside while her niece plays at her feet.

"Hey," Lexie said flatly.

"This is so hard." Lexie looked at him in silence. Get to the point. "You must- you must miss your sister." _No_ , she had to fight from saying, y _ou miss my sister. You probably wish it was her sitting here instead of me._ Just like Cristina. Just like pretty much everyone.

"Yeah." Lexie watched Zola play, so she didn't have to meet his eyes. He'd always be Chief Webber to her. But she didn't need a father figure. She had one, dysfunctional as he was. All Dr. Webber seemed to be doing is reminding her that even- or maybe especially- after her sister's death, she was destined to be the inferior Grey.

"When do you meet with the lawyers?"

"The lawyers?" Lexie looked at him, confused.

"For a settlement. You're owed that at least."

"Oh. No, I hadn't really thought about it." Dr. Webber nodded, and forced a smile.

"You take care of yourself, Lexie." Then he left, apparently succumbing to the awkward tension that Lexie had felt since she'd looked up to see him in the doorway.

 _You take care of yourself._ That was twice, in one day. Couldn't they see that she was trying?

…

Walking up the front steps of the house with Zola in her arms, Lexie couldn't help but think about Dr. Webber had said. She should be meeting with lawyers. There might have been talk of it, in the days, weeks, after rescue, but that time is all a blur to her. She had barely been keeping her head above water. She hadn't had time to think about diving for gold. But now… he was right, wasn't he? They were owed something. Lexie, and Callie, and Mark, Arizona, Derek, Cristina. Zola. And baby. With money she could save for their schools, make sure they never had to worry...

She was so deep in her own head that she didn't notice that the porch light was on. So of course, she didn't notice Derek Shepherd's presence until she was standing, gaping, in the landing.

Derek looked up at her and Zola from the couch.

"Hey."


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: All right, chapter 14! Only six more left… and I've got big plans. Just briefly on this one though, you guys know by now that I start each chapter with a real scene. A lot of you won't remember this one, because it didn't air. It's a fantastic scene though and you can find it on Youtube if you look up "Mark and Lexie deleted scene 6x24". Or you can just read it here, whichever you prefer! THANK YOU for sticking with me and for all your wonderful reviews!**

 **Shoutout to that determined guest who reviewed chapter 13 three (I think?) separate times, as well as to the guest who loves this story more than their mother. I'm a little worried about you but also super honoured. XD Enjoy!**

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Chapter 14.

 _After making it out of the hospital alive, you'd think that her heart would slow down. But it doesn't, because even though the shooter is all the way back in the disappearing building, he's here in this ambulance too, lodged deeply into Alex Karev's chest._

 _Teddy Altman leans down. "Beck's triad, hypotension, JVD, muffled heart sounds, my best guess is that- it's a transmediastinal bullet, he needs a pericardial synthesis."_

" _Wait-" She knows, distantly, that she's panicked and in shock. But she also knows, right here, right now, that Alex can't survive a shooter just to die in this ambulance. She pulls a blanket over his torso, but Altman pushes it away. Why is she doing that? "You're sticking a needle in his heart based off of a guess? Maybe you just can't hear the muffled sounds because his- the- the frickin siren."_

" _Grey, move!"_

" _No, he's at risk for hypothermia. Why don't you just- wait until we get there-" She yanks the blanket up. Teddy shoves it down._

 _Teddy rummages in a compartment in the ambulance, her posture taut. Teddy wears tense like a surgeon, not like the victim of a massacre. Teddy doesn't get it. The three other people in this ambulance are the survivors. Her, Lexie Grey. And Mark, standing across from her handling the ambu bag. And Alex. Alex has got to be too. "We can't wait, I need to find an 18 gauge needle and a syr-"_

" _Wait!" Her face is inches from Teddy's. She can see every line on her face. Can Teddy see the panic on hers?_

" _No waiting." Teddy moves past her and wipes down Mark's chest with antiseptic gauze. She's got the needle. It's in the package. She's going to stab it into Alex's chest- kill him- when they're so close-_

" _No- hypoglemic shock coupled with hypothermia can lead to a mortality rate as high as 90 percent. And- and if it is transmediastinal if could have nicked his esophagus which in and of itself has a mortality rate of 20 percent-"_

" _Stop the ambulance!" The ambulance lurches to a stop. She stands, frozen. Teddy's order shocked the words out of her. "Grey- get out. Get out of the ambulance now- out! Out, now- get out!" Stumbling backwards, tears blurring her eyes, she obeys. The handle turns under her shaking hands. She steps out onto the street and shuts the double door behind her. By the time she's straightened, the ambulance is driving away._

 _Her chest heaves as she watches it go. Beside her, there's an outdoor patio for a restaurant. Two friends catch up over coffee, a baby gurgling in a stroller beside them. A man approaches another man to show him something on his laptop. Two women who might be sisters stroll side by side. And she watches, feeling utterly lost. Right here, not ten feet from her, there are normal people living normal lives. So close she can smell it, the mundane is rolling by without her. There's a barrier here, clear as day, between her in her stained scrubs and this untouchable outside world. These are not her people. Her people are back at the hospital, lying dead on the sterile floor or outside the building in huddled groups, trying to process what they just survived. Her people are in the ambulance that just left her behind. But she stares at these smiling, unsuspecting strangers and she wants more than anything in the world to be one of them. To go back to a world where shootings only happen far away, so when they finally reach you the violence has been mitigated and the noise of the gunshots has been turned down._

 _She sits on the curb and cries._

…

 _Someone sits beside her. She looks up to see Mark, and tries to staunch her tears, but the thought that he got out of the ambulance and came back for her makes her cry harder. Mark Sloan, her hero. Always and forever._

" _Karev's gonna be okay." His arms hug her shoulders as he says the words she's most desperate to believe. But how can she? Nothing is the way it's supposed to be._

" _How- how do you know?" She feels his hand on her back, steadying her. It's a long time before he answers._

" _Because a guy just shot up the hospital." She's silent. "And I don't know who's okay and who's not, and you and I are sittin' on a curb and there's some dog crap over there." She looks over. In another lifetime it would be funny. She wants so badly to be able to laugh, but the tears just keep coming. "Because the world's just, a little messed up right now. And something good has to happen today- something." For the first time, she turns her head to look at him. He stares back at her steadily. She doesn't believe him, not really. But his words give her hope. "So Karev's gonna be okay."_

 _She wipes tears from her face, still struggling to take a full breath. Mark pulls out his phone. "I need a cab to Wilson and Fourth. No, it's not a house it's a curb." He hangs up and turns to her. "Alright so you and I are gonna go down to Seattle Press and we're gonna sit and we're gonna wait for news on Alex." Alex. Please let Alex be okay. Please God. "And while we wait we're gonna pray 'cause it's the only thing that I can think of to do right now." His arm is still around her, the only thing between her and the dark. Sitting beside him, she's more than just a broken victim. He makes her hopeful that maybe, someday, after this hell, she can be one of the normal people again._

 _She leans into his chest. He holds her tightly. Together, they'll survive this._

…

" _Daddy!"_ Zola squirmed to be let down and Lexie lowered her to the floor. For a few seconds, as Zola ran to Derek and threw her arms around his leg, all she felt was shock. Derek's home? Derek's home.

That son of a bitch.

She stalked up to him, shaking with anger. But he bent and picked up Zola, and Zola hugged him tightly, and how the hell was Lexie supposed to tell him off with his two-year-old daughter clinging to his neck?

"Hi," she said stiffly.

"Daddy's home, daddy's home!" Zola was bursting with happiness and Lexie felt a slight and totally irrational twinge of resentment. For four and a half months she'd taken care of that kid. How many times had she sung BINGO? How many hours had she spent fighting with the hair? And now, when it mattered most, when Zola should have been at Lexie's side giving her dad the evil eye right along with her, she had jumped ship and loudly declared her loyalty for the enemy camp.

"We need to talk." Derek hadn't looked her in the eye yet, not once. And what was that? They need to talk? That was all she got? She was sure that she had never, and would never again, feel the need to smack another individual quite so strongly. "I'll just get Zola to bed." He stood with her.

"Sure, sounds good. She likes Brown Bear best to read. And she'll need a sippy cup." Derek didn't turn around, but she watched him stiffen. _Yeah, you've missed some things._ In as many words, she was holding him accountable, and he knew it.

"Thanks," was all he said before taking Zola first to the kitchen, and then upstairs. She sat down on the couch and waited, dreaming up what she was going to say first. Should she cuttingly ask him how he's been? Congratulate him on finally making a reappearance? Or should she just stare at him in silence until he dissolves into a puddle?

But when Derek did come back downstairs, none of it felt right. And he talked first anyway. "Lex, I'm so sorry." He sat on the chair across from her, looking at the floor.

"You're sorry." Her voice is flat.

"I had no right to do what I did to you." He was quiet. "I know I didn't. I knew the whole time that I didn't." He looked up, and finally met her eyes. "But I couldn't be here. I couldn't- couldn't get her out of my head. She was there around every corner." She swallowed. His grief was hard to watch. But she struggled to accept it. She grieved too. She ran from ghosts too. But because of him, she had too much baggage to run far. "I needed to give myself time so that I could be the father Zola deserves. So- I could be the brother you deserve." Lexie cursed her eyes for filling with tears. She wanted to hate Derek for what he did. It was her right, dammit. Where had all the anger gone? "But I abandoned you both, and I'm so sorry." The tears spilled over her cheeks.

"You did. And I didn't know what to do, Derek." She was crying too hard. She needed to stop. "I've tried to put the pieces- together. And I've done a _damn_ good job. Because I had no choice, you were just- just gone and- everyone was- gone-" She couldn't keep it together. She broke down in tears, her fists pressed against her forehead. She felt Derek stand and sit beside her. She didn't reach out to him, but she didn't pull away. Maybe she should have. But it had been five months, and through all of her anger and frustration, in spite of all of it, she had desperately missed him.

"I'm sorry. I'm home. I'm home now, I promise."

For a long time, she just cried. Derek just sat. But she couldn't cry forever. Eventually she sat back and wiped her eyes.

"I want you to take another look at Mark." Derek stiffened beside her. "No. Listen. You owe me that. He has a pupillary response. I just want you to check." She turned to him. "Please."

"Mark's gone, Lex." Derek said eventually.

"You can't-"

"He's gone." His tone was final. "I'm going back to work tomorrow. A boy is coming from L.A. He has one of the largest brain aneurysms I have ever seen and I want your help to fix him." Derek stood and walked over to a bag in the corner, pulling out a brown envelope. Scans. She watched, incredulous. Derek opened the envelope, pulled out the scans, and held them up. "This boy is nine years old. He's going blind, because the aneurysm is putting pressure against his optic nerve. But he's alive. I'm going to make sure that he stays that way." Lexie hugged herself. "We can save him, Lex. We can't save Mark."

"You don't _know_ that." Derek looked at her, his eyes sad. He held out the scans to her.

"Take a look at them. I want your opinion." Lexie took the scans. She stood, clutching them against her chest. Derek was Mark's best chance. Maybe his only chance. And he was throwing it away.

"I'm pregnant." she said quietly. Derek's eyes widened. He opened his mouth- "And I'm going to bed." Still holding the scans, Lexie climbed the stairs to the spare room without another word.

…

Lexie hated herself for it, but she couldn't turn herself away from Derek's case just because she was disappointed in him. The next morning, as Derek stiffly got Zola dressed and Lexie stiffly drank her decaf coffee, she told him her plan.

"You can go in endovascularly."

"Hm?" Derek was struggling with Zola's jacket zipper. It took all of the restraint she possessed not to shove him aside and do it herself. He had to hold it at the bottom- the _bottom-_ He finally got it and she breathed out.

"Endovascularly. It's the only way to save the optic nerve. You can use the Krevitz Method." Derek turned to look at her.

"That's not even a real method. It's been attempted nine times."

"And it's succeeded three times." Lexie shot back. "You're the best neurosurgeon in the country. One of the best in the world. If anyone can manage this, you can."

"The boy is nine. I'm not taking any chances." Derek put on Zola's hat and lifted her into his arms.

"Have you seen the size of that thing? It's going to burst in a matter of _days_ , Derek. If you're lucky. You have to take chances."

"I'm going to be late. We'll talk about this at the hospital." Derek walked out the door and shut it behind him. Lexie clenched her hands into fists, screaming through her teeth.

"You're not listening to anything I say! Why the hell do I bother!"

But the door stayed shut. Lexie growled and threw her coat on. Derek was right about one thing anyway: they were going to be late.

…

The hospital was its own bustling world. She changed into her scrubs, put up her hair and picked up her chart, unsure what to do with the extra fifteen minutes she had needed every morning to drop Zola off. Thinking of Zola inevitably made her think of Derek, which made her think of Mark. She had been so sure that the hard part was going to be getting Derek home and back to work. Never, when she had imagined him finally returning, did she consider that he might outright refuse to help her.

"After everything I've done," Lexie muttered. She passed the door number on her chart and stopped, peeking into the room. A little dark-skinned boy was lying in a bed, already hooked to an IV, unfocused eyes looking towards the wall. His dad sat beside him. He said something and the boy started to laugh. Lexie smiled- and then she was angry all over again. The boy had a life-threatening brain condition. He was going blind. Lexie could see the way to fix it. She wasn't nearly skilled enough to attempt the surgery herself, but she knew how it could be done. She knew that Derek could do it.

She didn't seem to be able to talk some sense into him about anything… but maybe someone else could.

She headed to the cardio ward, where Cristina was just picking up her charts. _Okay. You can do this. It's been a long time again. Maybe the hate has died. Or- lessened. Or something._

"Hey-" Lexie tried to sound as neutral as she could. She wasn't sure how well she managed. By the look on Cristina's face when she turned around, not very.

"What." Lexie twisted her fingers together, struggling to look Cristina in the eye.

"Derek's home."

"I know." The answer drew Lexie up short. Cristina had known? For how long? Had they been talking? Was it possible that Derek was so pig-headed as to keep Cristina in the loop more than his sister-in-law/live-in nanny? She shook her head. No time to be angry.

"Okay." She said stiffly. "Well he's got me on a case, this boy with an aneurysm, and I've got an idea for how he can fix it, but he's not listening to me-"

"Save it Lex." Cristina tucked her charts under her arm and looked at her coldly. "I'm not your knight in shining whatever. I'm not swooping in to fight your battles for you." Lexie felt cold, and then hot. _Why do you hate me?!_

"I just thought-"

"Well stop thinking. It's not doing you much good anyway." Cristina pushed past her and stalked off, leaving Lexie to stare dismally after her. _I wanted to ask you about Mark too. What you think I should do. Because I admire you so much._

"Sorry," Lexie said to no one, before turning and heading back the way she came. Her extra fifteen minutes were up.

…

Her pager went off on her way to rounds. A 911 for Jonathan Fletcher. Derek's boy. She shoved her pager back into her pocket and ran, pushing past other doctors, the hospital blurring white and blue.

"I'm here-" But one look around the room told her she was too late. Derek was putting the resuscitation equipment away. The nurses were dispersing. And Jonathan was lying dead in his bed.

"The aneurysm ruptured. There was nothing anyone could do." Derek reached and turned off Jonathan's heart monitor as Lexie stood in silence. "His father is downstairs. Excuse me." Derek moved towards the door, but Lexie blocked his way. Something was boiling over inside her, something twisted and ugly. Derek didn't listen- and Cristina wouldn't listen- and for once she just wanted to give as good as she'd gotten.

"There was something someone could do." Derek opened his mouth to defend himself. She wouldn't give him the chance. "Something you could do. You could have taken him into surgery first thing today, and used the goddamn Krevitz Method and saved his life. You _could have._ But you didn't. Because you're too scared. Derek Shepherd, the best neurosurgeon, afraid to take a chance. Is it because you lost your wife in a plane crash? Because let me tell you Derek, letting little boys die in their beds sure as hell isn't going to bring Meredith back."

"Lexie." Someone was behind her, grabbing her shoulder. She shoved them off.

"You could have saved him. You could. But you won't- and now he's going to die- and it's _your fault-"_

" _Doctor Grey."_ She whirled around, her eyes blurry with tears. Chief Hunt stood in front of her, his posture taut. He was wearing tense like a surgeon, not like a victim of a plane crash. He didn't understand. Mark was a survivor. He was a survivor. Please, God, someone had to see it.

"This is totally inappropriate." Lexie felt shame course through her. She bowed her head. She knew. But once she started she hadn't been able to stop. "Dr. Shepherd has a job to do. He needs to go find this boy's father, who lost his son today." Lexie shut her eyes. "This is not about you."

"I'm so sorry sir." Lexie finally managed, struggling to get the words out.

"Go home." No. She was past this. She was supposed to be moving forwards, not backwards. She didn't need to leave work. She was better now. "It's not a request." Lexie felt herself deflate. There was no fighting the Chief. And he was right anyway. She clearly wasn't fit to be here.

"Yes sir." Hugging herself, avoiding the other doctors' stares, she made the walk of shame back out to fresh air.

…

Lexie got into her car, rolled down all four windows, and drove. _Help_ by the Beatles was playing on the radio and she blasted it. When it ended she found it on Spotify so she could blast it again. She had no idea where she was going. But the wheels were moving forward. The engine was revving. The car was going somewhere, which was more than she could say for herself. No matter how hard she floored the gas, Lexie was stuck in neutral. Today, it seemed like she'd even wound up in reverse.

 _Help me get my feet back on the ground._ Yeah, John Lennon. Wouldn't that be nice.

She found herself on the highway. She didn't have a toddler with her anymore. Derek was home to take care of that. She could go anywhere. Maybe that was what she needed. She could pull a Derek and disappear off the face of the earth with the help of a full tank and a nice little note. _Sorry, I couldn't handle my life. I'm leaving. See you all in four months maybe._ Or she could just drive around in circles until she ran out of gas. She could watch the arrow on the dashboard dip lower, lower, until her car started making strange noises, sputtered a mile more and then died right there on the road. Maybe that would change something.

Or she could get arrested. Because she was driving _way_ over the speed limit. That idea appealed to her more than any of the others. She would go to jail, put away behind metal bars. No one would come to bail her out, because her dad was broke and no one at the hospital cared enough to bother. Well, maybe April would come for her. Or Dr. Bailey. Callie might, if she was in a good mood. But Derek wouldn't in a million years. If her freedom was in his hands, or Cristina's, she would rot in that cell.

She drove on the highway for three hours, turned around, and drove for three hours more, speeding the whole way. Fate had plenty of time to work its magic and dole out karmic retribution for her recent bad behavior. But after six hours of illegal activity, Lexie made it back into the city unchallenged. She was windswept and tired, and she didn't feel any better. No matter how many times she played _Help,_ none came. And she couldn't shake the feeling that Mark and Meredith would both be disappointed in her.

She stopped at a gas station, and then at a grocery store, and then she went back to Meredith's house. Her groceries- a tub of Ben & Jerry's and some kind of twinkie- came straight with her upstairs. After a couple more hours, the twinkie and most of the ice cream was gone, but nothing else had changed. All she felt was a little less self-respecting, and a little more sick. The door opened downstairs. Derek was home. She stood up and shut her door, and then got back into bed and diligently pretended to be asleep. Her door opened. Someone laid down beside her. She rolled over. Alex Karev was in her bed, looking up at the ceiling.

" _Alex?"_ He didn't move to look at her. He answered to the ceiling.

"You had a crappy day."

"Well- yeah- but-"

"So, I know the drill. You need someone to lie here and listen to you bitch." Lexie was silent for a long time. Meredith used to do this for her. She wondered when Alex had learned it. She must have done it for him too.

"I yelled at Derek because his patient died." Lexie said finally.

"Dude." Alex said to the ceiling.

"And then Hunt sent me home, so I went on this really stupid, hateful joyride, and I didn't even get caught doing forty over the limit. And then I bought a tub of ice cream, and I laid here, and I ate almost all of it." Lexie put her arm under her head and looked at him. "I'm pathetic." Alex smiled slightly.

"A little." Lexie groaned, and swatted him with a pillow. He deflected it back at her.

"What happened to letting me bitch?"

"I did," Alex readjusted the pillow under his head. "But I didn't say I'd keep my mouth shut about it." Lexie sighed. "Look, your life is crap right now. You've got this baby coming, and Mark's still in a coma, and Derek's being an ass."

"Thank you for saying that."

"But you're being an ass too, Lex." Alex looked at her. "Derek just got back. You need to cut him some slack. He's not going to do anything for you if you hit him with it all at once." Lexie breathed out, slowly. Alex had a point. He wasn't even being mean about it.

"Yeah."

"Just wait. He'll come around." Lexie nodded.

"Thanks Alex."

"Whatever." Alex sat up in the bed, putting the pillow behind his back. "So you said you ate almost all the ice cream."

"Oh, for the love of God." Lexie bent over and retrieved the tub. The two of them passed the spoon back and forth until it was gone.

Later that night, Derek came home and apologized. But Lexie didn't hear him. She was leaning on Alex's shoulder, empty ice cream tub on her lap, fast asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.**

 **Note: I have epically failed again. Seven months later, here we are. I'm not going to make excuses. But I will promise you this: we have five chapters left, and they're going to get done. I'm taking this beautiful, wonderful, difficult project to the end. Thank you for staying with me.**

* * *

Chapter 15.

 _Meredith comes and sits at the table beside her, glass of wine in hand. It's been a long day for the both of them. She unwraps a second Twinkie, hoping that this one will make the pit in her stomach go away. Mark finally tried to tell Derek the truth about them… and Derek punched him in the face. There was an all-out brawl on the bridge. Now she's been eating. And eating. It's a bad habit, the combatting of stress with food, but it's one she hasn't been able to shake yet._

" _So I guess a big wedding won't be that bad." Meredith smiles. Her sister is making concession after concession for Izzie, allowing her ailing friend to plan her a "dream wedding." She has a feeling that her sister would be just as happy with a five-minute appointment at the courthouse, so it was kind of her to let spontaneous, excessive Izzie take the reins on the most important day of her life._

 _She sighs out a breath, looking down at her Twinkie. "l'm just sad 'cause l didn't get a chance to see you in the actual dress." She's disappointed. Mark was supposed to be Derek's best man, and she would come as his date, but now Mark and Derek aren't speaking and her chance to go to her sister's wedding has gone up in smoke._

" _You will." Meredith replies, smiling._

" _How?" She looks up, confused. "I mean if Derek and Mark don't make up, how-"_

 _Meredith cuts her off gently. "You're my sister, Lexie. You're in the wedding."_

 _It takes her a moment to understand. "Oh my God." Her eyes widen. "l'm gonna be a bridesmaid?" Meredith nods slightly, still smiling. "Oh my God- l don't know what to say!" Her sister wants her to be a bridesmaid! She's going to be one of Meredith's bridesmaids!_

 _Meredith's voice is dry. "Wait and see what lzzie's picked out for you to wear, then you'll have plenty to say." Her heart is soaring. Her sister wants her in the wedding._

 _The front door opens and shuts. Mark and Derek walk by and she immediately bites off half a Twinkie in one mouthful, the pit in her stomach settling back into place._

" _You want one?" Derek looks over his shoulder at Mark on his way to the fridge._

" _So much." Lexie stares at them, confused. They're not glaring or yelling at each other. Could her prayers have finally been answered?_

" _We can still catch half of the game." Mark walks back over to the living room. Derek follows, popping open a beer._

" _Yeah, that's what l was thinking."_

 _The sisters watch them go, identical expressions of surprise on their faces. Meredith breaks first, putting one hand over hers and lowering it- along with the Twinkie- back to the table._

" _You can stop eating now." Meredith suggests quietly._

" _Oh thank God." She lets the unfinished Twinkie drop from her hand. No more eating. The fight is over._

 _All is right with the world again._

...

 _Woah!_ Lexie's eyes flew open, her hands wrapping instinctinctively around her stomach. As she sat up in bed she felt the movement again, feather-light, just below and to the right of her belly button. _Oh my God._ The baby was kicking.

"Derek!" She called over her shoulder, forgetting for a moment that they were still avoiding each other. A bleary-eyed Derek materialized in her doorway, blinking sleep out of his eyes.

"What, what's the matter?" Lexie's heart was pounding. She felt wide-awake.

"He kicked." Lexie watched as Derek's worry dissolved into relief and his mouth quirked into a smile.

"God Lexie, you scared me." Lexie dropped her eyes, suddenly self-conscious. In the month since the death of Derek's aneurysm patient, the two had been sneaking around each other like cats, both wary, testing the waters of their relationship. They were on speaking terms, but they hadn't had any of the hard conversations that they needed to have.

"Sorry," she said to the floor. "I shouldn't have woken you up." She actually felt Derek hesitate before his feet moved over to the bed. He sat beside her, still a respectful distance away.

"No, I'm sorry." Lexie looked up. "I'm sorry for leaving you. And... I'm sorry for not apologizing sooner. It was wrong of me. All of it."

Lexie said nothing for a long time. _I forgive you._ And she had, weeks ago. How could she not? This was the man whom her sister had loved. He was as much a part of her as Zola was.

"It was _really_ wrong of you," Lexie corrected, but she did it with a weary smile. "I will have to kill you if you do anything like that again." Derek returned her smile cautiously.

"I think we have quite a long list of mutual friends who would beat you to it." Lexie laughed and leaned over, reaching for her phone just as her morning alarm started to blare.

"Time for work." She tapped her alarm to silent as Derek nodded and stood.

"I'll go wake the monster." He turned to leave, but hesitated. "It is a big deal, Lex. So you should keep waking me up. I don't want to miss a second." He left, and Lexie wrapped her arms around her stomach. It felt, finally, like the broken things were piecing themselves back together again. It left her feeling hollow for what they'd lost, but hopeful too.

…

Lexie and Derek arrived at the hospital a couple minutes later than usual. Zola spilled yogurt all over her shirt at breakfast and they had to facilitate an emergency change of clothes. Derek had seemed oddly harried in the car, letting the speedometer creep just a little higher than usual. Lexie assumed that he must have an early consult, but after they dropped Zola off at daycare he seemed determined to hang around her shoulder.

"We're not that late," Lexie said eventually, feeling awkward. Why wasn't Derek running off?

"No." Derek matched her step for step down the hospital hall. _Okay. Go do attending things now._ Lexie willed, feeling increasingly confused. But then she had a flash of understanding.

"Am I on your service this week?" Derek looked over at her, one eyebrow raised in amusement.

"No, you were on my service last week." Now Lexie was slightly panicked. Was she forgetting about something important? Was something happening this morning that she and Derek both needed to be present for? Or worse... did Derek think that since he'd apologized and she'd forgiven him that they got to be work friends now? Was Derek really that lonely? This was a disaster.

"Okay well. I'm just going to report to the nurse's station now. So."

"I'll come with you." Derek replied cheerfully. A ponytailed resident from Lexie's year hurried up to them as they rounded the corner, mouth open to say something, but Derek shot her a look. She backed up and let them go in silence. _Okay. What the hell._

"Um-"

"Oh look," Derek interjected smoothly, "Everyone's crowding the nurse's station for some reason." Lexie squinted over to the station. It was true, it seemed like half of the attendings and most of her year were mulling around. April waved a hand and beckoned her over, eyes shining.

"Congratulations!" she beamed, dragging a bewildered Lexie over to the attendings. Callie was smiling from ear to ear. Bailey looked like she might burst with pride. Even Alex's smirk seemed to have less meanness in it than usual. Jackson raised his hand in greeting, and then started to clap. Soon everyone was applauding and hooting, all eyes on her. Lexie was feeling like she'd fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole. Any second now, she would wake up and brush this off as one of those dreams that took real life out of context and played with your head. What on _earth_ was she missing?

"Congratulations for _what?_ " Lexie finally managed once the applause had died down. There was a collective groan from attendings and residents alike.

"I told you she really didn't know," Jackson muttered to April, who shot her an almost pitying look.

"Oh for heaven's sakes." Dr. Bailey finally strode over to the announcement board and pointed with one finger to a piece of paper stapled to the cork. Lexie leaned in to make out the heading.

 **Chief resident: Alexandra Grey**

Lexie's breath caught all at once, and heat flooded through her. She was almost six months into her sixth year of residency, and the coveted battle for chief resident hadn't crossed her mind even once. Before the crash, in her fourth and fifth years, she had been utterly determined that the title would go to her. Last year she had even made a comprehensive list of her most threatening competition and their physical, emotional and psychological weaknesses.

She had played over this reveal in a hundred different ways. Never in a million years had she anticipated that it would go like this.

"Wow." She finally blurted, and then immediately regretted it. "I mean- um- wow. I mean are you sure?" She could feel the flush in her cheeks. Why was she always so bad with words?

Alex rolled his eyes. "It was unanimous, so yeah. We're pretty sure." Lexie stood in shock for a few more seconds before the smile started to spread across her face.

"Holy crap. Thank you." _Chief resident._ Hear that Mark? Hear that Mer?

"Don't thank us!" Callie's voice was firm. "You more than earned it." In truth, Lexie didn't feel like she had. But she would.

Damned if she wasn't going to earn this honour a hundred times over.

…

The rest of Lexie's work day was busy. She worked on an emergent case with Hunt, who congratulated her personally. _Chief resident is a lot of responsibility,_ he had said, talking over the car crash victim's open chest, _Are you sure you're ready for it?_ She was surprised to find that the answer came easily. Yes, she was ready. Zola had her dad now, and she had another four months before she had to worry about taking time off for her own son. By then her boards would be written, and with any luck she wouldn't be a resident anymore. She'd be… _a fellow?_ It was a strange thought, and stranger still to think that her sister had never been allowed to claim that title. Less than a year has passed and she was already outliving her.

The car crash victim pulled through and Lexie's shift was over at 6. She changed out of her scrubs, pulling a clean shirt over her shoulders. April poked her head around her row of cubbies.

"Hey, I was looking for you! Are you done?"

Lexie reached to pull her hair out of her shirt. "Just finished."

"Great! Come to dinner." April flashed a smile. "Our place at 8. The three of us can celebrate."

"That sounds awesome!" Lexie pulled her jacket on, and hesitated slightly. "Is Jackson cooking again?"

April snorted. "No, his pride is still recovering from last weekend. You don't have to worry."

"Oh thank God." Lexie breathed out in a huff. Jackson had many skills, but she and April had recently- and disastrously- learned that cooking was not one of them. "Did he get the stovetop replaced?"

"Yesterday." April stifled a laugh. "Don't bring it up please, he was mortified."

"You have my word." Lexie drew her hand across her heart. So long as she never had to suffer through food burned that badly again, she would swear to anything.

April was about to reply when Lexie's phone rang. "Crap, sorry." Lexie dug it out of her bag. It was Callie's home phone number. "One minute."

"It's okay! We'll catch up tonight. Eight sharp!" Lexie nodded, and April ducked out of the change room as Lexie answered her phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Lexie frowned.

"Callie?"

"It's Arizona." Lexie's eyes widened. She left the change room, holding her phone close against her ear.

"Hey! Um- hey. Hi. How are you?" Lexie winced. _Dr. Smooth, at it again._

"I wanted to congratulate you on Chief Resident." Arizona sounded like the words were being dragged out of her. Privately, Lexie wondered if Callie had put her up to the phone call. Arizona's scathing rebuke on the day that Lexie had tried to visit echoed in her ears. _You don't know anything, Lexie. Go back to crying over your dead sister and your dying boyfriend and leave me in peace._ They hadn't exactly left off on good terms.

"That's quite the achievement." Arizona's voice called Lexie back to the present.

"Thanks…" She wasn't sure what to say. Arizona didn't respond. For a while there was silence between them.

"I had this dream last night." Arizona said suddenly. Lexie kept her mouth shut, not sure where this was going. Her feet shifted beneath her. She had stopped in the hotel lobby. "I was in the woods. Our woods. And there were- there were bugs? In my leg." Arizona's voice was shaking. Lexie could hear the starts in her breath. "But you came- you- you- dug them out." Lexie's hands started to tremble. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She wasn't going to let herself fall backwards. This had been a good day. "And I was just- I just wanted to know- did that happen?"

Lexie didn't answer for a long time. She didn't want to have to say yes. To say yes was to give credit to the horror reel of pictures, memories, feelings playing behind her eyes. But who held the power if she denied it?

"It happened." Lexie's voice was quiet, but steady. "The tissue was necrotic. There were maggots within a couple of hours. I did what I could to stop the infection from spreading." Another long silence, while both women found their breath. When Arizona spoke again, her voice was ragged.

"Thank you for saving my life." Something loosened in Lexie's chest, and her eyes filled with tears. She hadn't been waiting to be thanked. She was never expecting to be. But to know that Arizona didn't blame her anymore- that she had accepted, finally, that Lexie had done everything she could, and that her actions had counted for something… It lifted a weight off Lexie's chest that she hadn't even realized she was carrying.

"Of course. We take care of each other." Lexie finally answered. She looked across the lobby, watching patients come and go. Even here, away from the surgical floor, these were her people: life-savers in white coats, sworn to do no harm. Sometimes succeeding and sometimes not. But always trying their best, for their patients and for each other. Which is why Lexie would do everything that she did in the woods again, freely and without hesitation; the same, she hopes, as any doctor would.

"Take care of each other." Arizona echoed, her voice heavy with something Lexie couldn't identify. Lexie could hear movement on Arizona's end of the line- creaking, maybe bedsprings. "I have to go. Take care Lexie. Congratulations again."

"Thanks-" And then Arizona was gone. Lexie lowered her phone and stared at it.

"Huh," she said to no one in particular. Her phone buzzed again, startling her. A text from April.

 _If you stop for a baguette I'll make garlic bread!_

Lexie smiled.

 _On it._

She stepped through the lobby's sliding doors and ran out to her car.

…

Jackson's apartment was made for dinner parties.

Or, Lexie supposed, Jackson and April's apartment. They still lived together, despite no one being exactly sure of the status of their relationship. Were they friends? Together? Somewhere in between? If Lexie had to hazard a guess she would probably say the latter. But they never excluded her from their odd circle, and in exchange she never asked any hard-hitting questions.

Lexie couldn't even begin to figure out how Jackson was affording his rent. She knew him well enough to doubt that he would ever touch any money that his wealthy parents threw his way… but a girl had to wonder. Everything from floor to ceiling was brand new. The appliances were glass or chrome, shiny and classy, to match his leather furniture and bay window. He had four rooms, two full baths and an ensuite, in the expensive heart of downtown Seattle. If that was what an attending's salary could accomodate, Lexie couldn't wait for next year.

When Lexie let herself in, April was stirring something at the stove while Jackson leaned over the island, pairing his phone with the Bluetooth speaker.

"Death metal or ska?" Jackson asked by way of greeting.

"I hope you're joking." Lexie pulled off her jacket and brought the baguette over to April's station. "A baguette as requested, mademoiselle! Freshly baked probably!" Lexie set the baguette down. April smiled dryly.

"That's encouraging." April leaned past Lexie's shoulder. "Oh, let Lexie pick the music Jackson. Come over here and butter this bread." Jackson frowned and took Lexie's place beside April.

"Choose wisely, Lexie." He gave her a mock-serious stare and turned to the baguette. Lexie laughed.

"Wow, no pressure guys." Lexie scrolled through Spotify, finally settling on a playlist of Sia covers. Never Give Up played through the speaker and she nodded her head to the beat. "Can I do anything to help, April?"

"No way! You're the guest of honour. Just- sit there and look pretty." Lexie did her best to comply, sitting on one of the island stools and tossing her hair back dramatically. Jackson stifled a laugh.

"All right, calm down, miss Drama Queen."

"That's _Doctor_ Drama Queen, buster." Lexie retorted. She spun her stool around to face him and watched him butter the bread, wondering not without humour if April had given him such a goofproof job on purpose.

 _I'll find my way_

 _Find my way, oh_

Lexie hummed along to the song- and then sat bolt upright. "Oh my God."

April turned from the pot to look at her. "What?"

"I- I have to, oh my God. Oh crap." Lexie stood from the stool and looked around, feeling lost.

"Lex." Jackson put the butter knife down and went over to her. "What is it?" Lexie looked down, unable to meet his gaze. How could she justify the shame that she felt? _It's stupid, they won't understand._ But now they were both staring at her, so she had no choice but to say it.

"I forgot- to go- say goodnight to Mark." Lexie's face burned. She kept her eyes on the floor. _Five months, Lexie. You're supposed to be over it._ She knew they must be thinking it too.

"I'll drive you back to the hospital." Lexie looked up, shocked, as Jackson reached for his jacket.

"What? No, you don't have to- I mean- that's, uh- that's- you- would do that?" Jackson turned to look at her, his gaze steady.

"Of course. My car's out front, it will be quicker than taking yours."

"I can totally hold supper." April said from behind her. Lexie felt overwhelmed with gratitude. They weren't looking at her with pity or disrespect. They really would do it if she asked them to. Lexie thought of Mark, lying in his hospital bed twenty minutes away. She had forgotten to stop. Even after finding out about Chief resident, and talking to Arizona… she had been more occupied with going to catch up with Jackson and April than with staying to talk to Mark. The thought terrified her. But it comforted her too. Maybe... it wasn't such a bad thing.

She shook her head. "Thanks guys. But I think Mark would be annoyed if I prioritized him over supper."

"Are you sure?" Jackson already had one arm in his jacket.

Lexie nodded firmly, and managed a half-smile, still not quite looking at him. "I know it's stupid, you know? Everyone keeps telling me it's over. And I know they're probably right, I mean Derek and Callie have years of experience on me, but I just- I- I can't do it." She let out a slow breath. " I can't unplug him."

"I don't think that's stupid at all." Jackson said, filling the stretching silence.

"You don't have to-"

"I'm not, Lex." Jackson took off his jacket and looked at her. "He's the father of your unborn _child,_ for God's sakes. And he has a pupillary response. Whether that means anything or not, it would have been enough to make anyone hope."

April nodded. "And- medical miracles happen every day. Who has the right to tell you to stop praying for one?" April turned back to the pot on the stove. "If you're not ready to let him go, Mark stays where he is. End of story."

Lexie sat back down slowly on the island stool. It took a long time for her to find her voice. Finally she frowned. "Why on earth didn't I start hanging out with you guys sooner?"

"Well that's easy." Jackson said, walking back over to the bread. "We were too cool for you." He reached for a sliced piece of baguette as Lexie groaned good-naturedly.

April swatted him. "Back off, pilferer!"

"Ooh, _pilferer,_ " Lexie made a face. "April's bringing out the big guns." April rounded on her.

"Don't even start." Lexie threw up her hands in surrender, still laughing.

Fifteen minutes later, a timer on April's phone buzzed. April reached for plates while Jackson retrieved the bread out of the oven and Lexie went to sit at the dining room table.

Supper was ready.


End file.
